ASS On Fire Takes You Higher

IT Off-Shore Onsite Song

2012-01-20T01:39:00.001+11:00

Most of the Big IT companies in our country work on an Onsite (Videsh) and Off-Shore (Swadesh) model.

Which simply means that some of the team members would be working in Firangi land while other members of their team would be slogging in India.

Most of the communication between these teams happen via telephone and due to the difference in Time Zones of the Countries, they usually happen outside the office hours.

Usually the Off-Shore team would be waiting for their Onsite Counterparts to call them or pick up their phone and provide (a very often misused word) "KT" or Knowledge Transition.

While coming back today from work, I was in an Auto listening to a Song by Fort Minor called "Where'd you go".

Now your's truly having been worked in both these situations, (In Firangi Land and in Bharat Mata ki Jai) this song struck an immediate chord with me and I decided to re-word the lyrics a bit to convey what the team mates in the two countries feel about each other.

(Yes it is a mutual feeling both ways, where both the teams in both the countries feel that the other are enjoying themselves)

So here goes:

Where'd you go?
We miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.

Some days I feel like shit,
Some days I wanna quit, and just be normal for a bit,

I don't understand why you have to always be gone,
I get along but the calls always feel so long,

And, I find myself trying to stay by the phone,
Cause the dial tone always helps me to not feel so alone,

But I feel like an idiot, workin' my day around the call,
But when you pick up you don't have much to say,

So, I want you to know it's a little fucked up,
That I'm stuck here waitin', at times debatin',

Tellin' you that I've had it with you and this career,
Me and the rest of the team here singing

Where'd you go?
We miss you so,
Seems like it's been forever,
That you've been gone.

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Codependency

2012-01-14T05:57:00.000+11:00

I have been reading lots of Wedding Cards and stories about many people getting married within a year or two of a relationship. How is that a good idea?

Did they realize that they didn't care what happened in life as long as they had each other.

This just seems like the socially driven concept of love, when it (at least for me) isn't an accurate representation at all.

With all forms of media beating down on us it's really easy to submit to the idea that you'll be so much happier with a man or woman in your life.

So many movies, songs, and books are about, or include, this kind of love. It's a sort of the quick-fix mentality that seems to be plaguing modern culture.

Not happy? Getting married / in a relationship will make you happy!

I think more people need to realize, that love is simply what you have with a best friend. Someone you don't need to be around you to be happy, but whom with you always enjoy company.

Someone you trust without any worry or jealousy. Someone you can say anything or nothing around and not be judged in anyway. This person shouldn't be a source of happiness for you, and neither should you be for them.

Jealousy really shouldn't exist. Both partners should have complete acceptance of one another.

I'm not saying that having someone else can't help you become happy on your own.

And of course there are always exceptions and this doesn't apply to everyone!

Eh I guess I'm preaching now, and of course I'm only speaking my views on relationships so who knows what it's worth. Feel free to dis-agree.

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

The Friend Zone

2012-01-08T17:30:00.000+11:00

Couple of weeks ago during a random conversation the topic of Friend Zone and came up and I was surprised that people are not aware of (the dangers of) Friend Zone.

So for the benefit of fellow Human Race (mostly Guys I guess) let me try and describe what this weird phenomena is.

"Friend zone" describes the way most women stop seeing a male friend as dating material after a certain amount of time has passed, even though she might have begun dating them had he acted differently when they first met.

Say there is a man called Rahul of average attractiveness and a woman called Priya.

Rahul meets Priya.

Priya thinks "This guy seems nice. He's quite funny and reasonably good looking".

Rahul doesn't ask Priya out, but they see each other at social functions.

After a while, Priya stops seeing Rahul as a nice guy who is quite funny and reasonably good looking, and just sees him as My Friend Rahul. But oh no! Rahul realizes he's secretly madly in love with Priya and begins trying to hang out with her more and more.

Because Rahul loves Priya, he stops behaving reasonably and starts doing anything just to spend time with her and help her out. Eventually, he summons his courage and confesses his love for her. But Priya just feels uncomfortable and confused. She doesn't want to lose her friend, and she feels pressured by his feelings for her.

To be honest, Rahul's been a little needy and pathetic lately, hanging on her every word and catering to her every whim, and that's not really very nice. And after all she's really attracted to him because he's just My Friend Rahul. So it's not Priya's Fault.

Let's read that again: "IT'S NOT PRIYA'S FAULT".

If Rahul had the kahunas, he would have had a chance when they first met but he messed it up by not doing anything about it. When he finally got his act together, the friendship that developed actively interfered with his potential of getting the relationship to the next level.

That my FRIENDS is being friendzoned.
(Did you see what I did there ?)

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

I am a grown up now

2012-01-07T04:26:00.000+11:00

You can make your own Comic Strips here

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

A Sign from the God's ?

2012-01-03T02:50:00.000+11:00

In most of the movies (at least from the 70s), when the hero doesn't know what to do, he would be in a temple, in front of God and he would get a sign from God, a Flower falling off the status or some such weird co-incidence.

Seems very filmy, But I guess I had the err.. Bad Fortune to experience such a similar situation.

Now at the beginning of November 2011 when I was working in Sydney, I was told that the team I was currently working for needs me back in India, So I have to travel back.

At the same time, when Leads from 2 other teams heard of this , they offered me a place in their teams to stay on in Sydney and work with them instead.

And I had to decide what I need to do, (And if you would have read some of my older posts you might know how bad I am at taking a decision)

As usual, I was confused, confounded, dumb founded as to what my next course of action should be, Stay on in Sydney or go back to India and see what it leads to.

One of my older posts also contained the information that I walk to work everyday with my head phones on and music blaring in them. I usually have a playlist of about 600 Songs which play on Random.

So this was one of the same days, when I was walking home, confused as to what my decision should be about where I want to work.
When Suddenly this song started playing: At that time the Lyrics could not have been more appropriately written for me.

I shit you not when I say this, The Song was:

Oh nadaan parindey
Ghar aaja..
Ghar aaja..
Ghar aaja..
Ghar aaja..
Kyun desh videsh phire maara
Kyun haal behaal thakha haara

Kyun desh videsh phire maara
Tu raat beraat ka banjaara

Oh nadaan parindey
Ghar aaja..

A freaky co-incidence ? A Sign from the God's ? You decide.

All that I know is that the next week, I turned down the offers I had and now I am back in India.

So it's time to change my About me Page, From saying location Down Under in Sydney, I have to change it to err.. Down..err.. In Apna Bharat Mahaan.

In God's Own Country, Lovely Kerala.

P.S. : For those of you who don't know this song, There you go:

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

New Year- tions

2012-01-01T17:35:00.001+11:00

This is the Obligatory New Year Post..

Last Year I thought of making some Resolutions..
After a lot of Confusion..
I came up with a Solution..
That I would resolve the World's biggest Botheration..

May be solve the problem of Pollution..
Or Stop the practice of Prostitution..
To Study Man's Evolution..
And Like Anna lead them on the next Revolution..

Try and work towards Increased Knowledge Adoption..
And help people with their habit of Alcoholization..
But with such high Aspirations..
You also need some kind of resource Allocations..

And due to the lack of Appreciation..
And a lot of Persecutions..
The Resolutions... would never reach up to Execution..
And all of them ended in Cancellations..

So on this new day of Celebration..
It's time again to put ideas into Conceptualizations ..
Hopefully this year the idea would see the light of Inception..
Until then..All we can do is work towards their Culmination..

Shrijeet: "Ya I know, I don't and also shouldn't try my hand at Poetry".

Dead Poets turning in their graves: "Buahhahaa... You call this Poetry.. Buahahhaaa.."

Shrijeet: "Don't worry .. Not going to make this a habit.. I promise.. Pakka... Saraswati Vachan.. (I think)"

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Award Shaward

2011-12-26T04:02:00.000+11:00

I have been spending my last couple of weeks moving from One house to another, err.. make that.. One City to Another... err better make it.. One Country to Another...How about .. From One Continent to Another..

Yaa.. that sounds about right..

So after I settled down and finally got a Internet connection going, I was pleasantly surprised to see a comment on a post from Sowmya Swaminathan informing me that she has awarded me The Versatile Blogger award..

The rules of the Versatile Blogger Award are as Follows:
1. Award 15 Fellow Bloggers
2. Inform the Bloggers of their award
3. Share 7 random things about yourself
4. Thank the Blogger who awarded you
5. Add the Versatile Blog Award picture to your blog post

Pffft... Rules.. Who needs them...

I don't know if I have 15 Bloggers to be awarded but here goes nothing..

1. Pooja Sridhar
2. Shasha and Ashu
3. Aakriti Malik
4. Ashish Hablani
5. Aswathy Mohandas
6. Seetha Lakshmi K R
7. Ashwini

I guess that's it for now.. I will update this as and when I can..

Ohh.. almost forgot..

8. Bow and Tie (Of Course)

Next Thing to do: 7 Random things about me:

1. I am Shit Scared of Jokers.. Of the Toy Kind.. Which look like Raj Kapoor in Mera Naam Joker.
Why you ask me ? .. Ok even if you dont ask me I am going tell you anyways.
This Phobia caught hold of me when as a young boy (I am still young.. But again I Digress) I first saw the Movie Mera Naam Joker, In the end when Raj kapoor is in some kind of cave with that Joker Doll.
He keeps the doll down on the ground and the Doll starts to walk and Sing with its Arms outstretched.
Are you kidding me. A freaking horrific looking joker doll moving and singing and coming towards you with it's arms outstretched.
Who wouldnt be afraid of that ???
(Ok.. I know many of you won't) .. But does'nt matter.. I am. Period.

2. I cook really well. (Again, as many have not eaten my cooked food, I dont know how far that's true)
But I don't give a Horse's Behind. I like my cooked Food. THE END.

3. My friends say I have a really short attention span. But I like to say that I multitask.
Example: I would be sitting on my bed, with my laptop on, In front of my Laptop I would have a Paper Book open (Whatever I am reading then)
On the Laptop, I would have a Browser with atleast err...10 Tabs at a time.
Also a Movie would be playing on the laptop, in a small window, so that I can read on the browser and see the movie at the same time.
Also there would be an eBook open on the laptop. (Something which I didnt/couldnt buy in paper)
Also there would be a Game minimized on the laptop, which I would be playing at intervals of every 15 minutes or so. (And no I dont mean Solitare)

4. I love animals. All kinds of them. From creepy crawlies to cute pups to menacing cats to birds to what not.
Seems like animals are so much better then many people I know.

5. I prefer fizzy colorful drinks over coffee.

6. I cant make up my mind about anything. Every decision I take would have been changed about err.. N number of times.

7. I like to write , and I know I write like crap, I know my shortcomings, But I dont want to change.
Who the dash are you to judge me. This is how I write and that's me.

So let me see, what else is left ? Ohh ya.. Thanks Sowmya :)

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Android Ice Cream Sandwich and Google Talk

2011-12-08T11:34:00.001+11:00

I don't always posts about anything related to Technology on my Blog (I keep that for Google+ )

But this time around I am making an exception where I am posting a rant which I made on Google+ here, as this is extremely frustrating for me.

I am an Android User

Rant Follows:

Frustrating new Google Talk in Android Ice Cream Sandwich 4.0

Hoping someone from Google reads this

And If I am missing something very obvious here, feel free to bash/corect me

I am currently running an Alpha Build of ICS on my HTC Desire.
One of my most used apps on Android is Google Talk.

It look brilliant in ICS now with all the small tweaks to UI Bravo for that

But there is one new Feature which is rendering the whole app useless for me.

The versions available till now (Gingerbread) have had a feature where you can View your friend list either by So-called Most-Popular or All Contacts.

Where Most-Popular would show you some contacts who (I am assuming) Google thinks you communicate with the most
(Although in my case it displays people who I never-ever IM, So this list is utterly useless for me)

And All Contacts would display a list of All your Contacts sorted by Availability. (Which I always use)

Now in the lastest Gtalk which comes bundled with ICS there have been few changes:

You can view your Contacts using Most-Popular but now you have the option to sort them by Availability or Recency

Screenshot:

But both of these options are still useless to me as the people who are displayed are the ones who I never chat with.
Or Email for that matter, So I have no ides how or why they are in my Most Popular List

Screenshot :

And Another Option is: Name All Friends

Screenshot :

With ICS this has also been rendered completely useless for me as this option now displays All my friends as before , but Sorts them using their name.

So I end up with a list of Contatcs who are Sorted Alphabetically by name but are all offline.

And the people who I really want to chat with and are also available are buried somewhere down below in the long list.

Screenshot:

Does anyone know if I am being a Dumbass and missing some option here ?

Or if this is how GTalk supposed to be in ICS. Then sorry to say, It's completely useless to me now.

And I really really want to continue using Gtalk and not any alternates

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

I am Complan Boy

2011-12-06T14:29:00.001+11:00

Teacher: If there are 10 Giraffes in a class room and each of them shakes hand with the other 9 Monkeys, What will the amount of rainfall on the Moon ?

Student: Maam, The correct Answer is Batman shot the Sheriff.

Teacher: Wooww...that’s absolutely correct. How did you know?

Student: Coz I am a Complan Boy !!

Moral of the Story:
Please be careful when crossing the street.

P.S. - WHAT ?? !!! You thought at some-point this would make some sense ? Did you ?

P.P.S. - Aaahh... FISH IT !! ... Yes this does have a hidden meaning. Now go away and come back when you figure out what it is

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Chotu THE GIANT - Introduction

2011-12-01T23:29:00.000+11:00

He came into my life, when I was carefree.
When I did not worry about what path my future is going to take.
What I would do in my life.
Where I would be 10 years from then.

I met him for the first time on that Winter Night in a small village called Simga, He was so happy on seeing me as if we are long lost friends, even though that was the first time we ever met.

I would like to say I knew it then that this was going to be the beginning of a wonderful life long friendship. But that would be a lie.

"Hansie" - as he was known back then (after the cricketer) was supposed to stay with my dad in Simga, while me and mom lived in Raipur (owing to my education).

So I was only going to meet Hansie once a month. Over a weekend. And that's how it began.

He would never leave my side whenever I was in Simga, always there:
Sitting under the bed I was lying on,

Let me see what's under the bed

Or sprawled under the chair I was sitting on:

Yup, I am still here

Or following me from one room to another and whenever I turned around, he would always be there. Standing with the intrigued look on his face, waiting to see what I would do next and how he can help.

Hey there !!

Soon after seeing how much I was attached to Hansie and he to me, Me and mom decided to take him with us to Raipur

Since he was smaller then most of the other dogs, I started calling him Chotu, and then that became his name for life.

He was the most friendliest dog that anyone had ever seen. Guard Dog.. Pftt.. No way.. not my Chotu.

He loved people. He adored being around as many people as possible.
If you were a stranger and would come to my house. He would welcome you in.
He would sit in the middle of the room, surrounded by all guests as long as they were around.

But once you started to leave. MAN O MAN, all hell would break lose.
Chotu would not want you to leave. He would shout/scream/bark at you to urge you to stay more. According to him: "Why can't everyone stay with him. The more the merrier."

Otherwise he would never bark, forget about biting at anyone or any other dog at all.
When he would go out for his walks with me. The rest of the dogs on the street would bark at non-stop. But Chotu.. Nooo.. he would never respond. He would go about his walk merrily without a single care in the world.

His only enemy in the world were Lizards. Yes the common Wall Lizard which we have all over India, in almost every house.
If Chotu ever got to see a Lizard on the wall in any room. Boy O Boy would he get pissed. He would start jumping and barking at the lizard non-stop , Until someone (mostly me) would come and shoo the lizard away.

Most of the times, the lizard would hide behind a Wall Clock or a Tubelight. But Chotu when he couldn't see the lizard any more, he thought the lizard went to the other side of the wall. He would run to the adjacent room, to check the wall on the other side and make sure that the lizard didn't come out there.

Rats/Mice, He chased them around all day. Trying to catch them. He would duck under furnitures, get inside Cup-boards to catch hold of them.

And it's only once that I remember that he actually one. I remember he came to my room sheepishly after I heard him running around.

When I looked at him, all I could see was that he had a small tail dangling out of his mouth. I thought, that he would have killed the tiny mouse.
But Noo. He sat down at his usual place under my bed, Gently pushed out the small mouse from him mouth, mildly held the mouse under his small paw and started licking him lovingly. In the same cute/loving manner that only a dog can lick somone he likes.

After a lot of love and affection towards, he finally let it go and the mouse scampered away under some chair, once again to be chased by Chotu

He was my little friend, and he considered himself to be my Big Brother. He was extremely protective of me.

He would sit at the door in my room and not allow anyone to get in.
If anyone spoke to me in a loud noise, they would need to go through Chotu first, he would start barking, snarling and jumping up and down at them.

And if worst comes to worst, he would grab hold of the bottom of your pants and start pulling you away.
(One of the reasons he didn't like my brother, Coz he wore Shorts and chotu was not tall enough to grab hold of his pants)

His behaviour with each member of the family was different.
With me: I was his little brother, a child. And he was my guardian, protector.
With my mom: He was the little one.
With my Dad: He was a brat. He would shout at my dad to get what he wanted and get his way.

Example: For his morning walks, If I was in the house, He would come and sit near my bed from 4-5 AM. And he would wait.

He would wait patiently until the time I woke up, never once disturbing me in my sleep. And once I finally wake up (whenever that would be). He would follow me around. From me brushing my teeth, to me going to the bathroom. He would sit outside the bathroom waiting for me to come out.

He had this peculiar habit. If he didn't see me going into the bathroom. First he would run around the whole house trying to find me, and then when he found my scent, he would try and push his little nose under the bathroom door to sniff and see if I am there.
And he would continue pushing his nose under the door. Until I called out to him and satisfied his query that I was indeed inside.

Once I was lazily ready to go for his walk, he would then jump around and we would go out together.

But if I was not at home, with my dad he had a completely different Morning Walk routine. He would start jumping up and down and tugging at my dad at 5 AM. Asking him to get up and take him for a walk. He would be relentless until he got his way.

I guess he particularly liked Cats, Once a Cat gave birth to a litter of kittens in our garage.

The kittens were really tiny and we were all afraid to let Chotu out in the house as we thought he might go and hard the kittens.

But one day he escaped out and after some time we found him patiently sitting near the kittens keeping guard. :)

We took him inside, but once he knew where the kittens were he would always find the opportunity to run back to them and sit quietly.

If we locked him inside the house, he would jump on sofas, climb on beds to poke his head out of the window until he could find a place from where he could keep an eye on the kittens.

So yes, He was a Guard Dog.... A Dog who guarded Kittens :)

P.S. - I started writing this post on 22 September 2011, Never thought I would publish this.
It is incomplete, and I guess it always will be..

To be Continued....

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Frustrated Festivities

2011-11-29T14:22:00.001+11:00

WARNING: Rambling Post.. Makes No Sense.. Please be careful of your Sanity

A frustrating day in office and then I get a mail from HR asking who wants to be the part of a Carol Singing Group .

My Reply:

Lalalalaaaaaaaaaaaa....

Santa Claus sat on a wall..
Santa claus had a great fall..
Up above the world so high..
Like a Santa in the Sky...

Santa Santa... yes Raindeer...
Did you eat the cookie.. No Raindeer..

Santa Santa..Have you any wool..
Yes Raindeer...Yes Raindeer. 3 bags full..

Is my application approved ?

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Google is NOT a Company

2011-11-26T23:00:00.001+11:00

Is the title too scandalous for you ? Well let me tell you the story behind it.

When I was doing my Graduation in Mechanical Engineering , I think in the year 2005, there was an Inter-college festival in one of the other colleges of my state.

One event in that festival was arranged by the Management Department of the college (The dept. which gives out MBA Degrees). The event was to give a Presentation on "Your Favourite Company".

Me and one of my batch mates , Shailesh decided to enter this competition.
(As we needed something to write in our resumes as extra-curricular activites)

We chose our favourite company as Google.

Now around 2005, In small town India, in a Mechanical Branch, people did use Google everyday whenever they went on the internet.
But anyone hardly knew anything else about Google.

We started err... Googling for Google... collected Articles from Business Publications, downloaded their Financial Reports and what not and finally were ready and raring to have a go at this presentation.

On the D-Day we took a Bus to the city where the competition was, and borrowed someone's bike to reach the college.

Now the event was supposed to start in the morning and there were about 15 Teams including us competing.
But due to some usual delays , it got kicked off around 4:00 PM in the evening.

Each team was given 10 minutes to present and then 3 minutes where the judges would question them.

All the other teams who gave their presentations chose Traditional Companies like NTPC, Hero Honda, Bharat Petroleum etc etc..

We were the last team who were going to get a chance to speak. Just before we went on stage, I was informed that due to lack of time we would only get 6 minutes to present as the event was running too long.
I had a looong heated argument with the organizers about this to no avail and decided to take some other routes to tackle this.

Our presentation started, we took turns in speaking. We discussed about the Origin and the founders of Google, the different popular Products Search, Google Earth and some obscure ones like Froogle.
We shared the mind boggling financial numbers and the profit figures etc etc.

We had an awesome momentum going and the crowd was loving us and paying complete attention to what we were talking about.

I had specifically added some very interesting and fun images of the Googleplex in my presentation, and as soon as the buzzer went off for the 6 minutes time out. I decided to go hostile and took the crowd on my side by informing them that I have much more information to share with them, but since there college was breaking their own rules and giving me less time I am not able to, and then I started walking off the stage.

At this point the judges got up and asked me to continue my presentations as the crowd had started booing them.

So I ended up giving a 15 minutes presentation which was supposed to be 10 minutes by rule and 6 minutes , if the organizers had their way.

When the results were announced, we received the highest points in Presentation Skills, Quality of the Presentation, The Data being presented etc etc.

But the judges then dropped a Bomb Shell on us saying, they can't give us the Top Prize for the competition as the topic of the presentation was "Your favourite Company" and they said: Google is NOT a Company.

GO FIGURE !!!

P.S. - The Judges were Professors who taught Management Subject to Post Grad MBAs.

P.P.S. - On a side note, after the event 2 very cute girls from the audience came up and shared their numbers as they loved our err...(No Idea what).. So all in all.. not a complete waste of time.. ;-)

P.P.S. - This is my 100th post on this Blog. Wooo Hoo !! .. Here's to the next 100 !!!

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

How to get your Code written

2011-11-18T19:58:00.001+11:00

Having a Problem with a Particular piece of Code ?

Follow these simple steps to get the Solution:

1. Go to a Coding Forum.

2. Create a new account with a very Girly sounding name like:
SweetPinky23

3. Create a post asking for help

Hey Guys, I am fairly new to (insert programming language ) , and I was wondering if I can get a hand with something. I am trying to write a programme which rounds infinite and predicts the future and I am stuck at the beginning :( .
Do you have any Tips ?

Thanks Guys !!
Pinky XOXOXOXOX

4. Check back after a Short while

18 New Comments

Hi I went ahead and wrote the Program for you, It was very interesting
SomeGuy44
I wrote it too but mine is a bit different.
JavaHunk
Hey Check out mine.
IndianBillGates
Do you work in Infosys?
DespoDancingDude

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Shit IRIS Says - 2

2011-11-14T00:40:00.001+11:00

This is the Second Post in the Series of Shit IRIS Says.
The first can be found here.

Although IRIS might not be able to make me a Burger, She is none the less very keen to help.

Now that leads me to doubt if, IRIS is just plane stupid, But as you can see, she clearly knows better.

Now that intrigues me and also freaks me out a bit, that IRIS looks like.. err.. me .. O_O

I finally had enough and thought that I would tell IRIS exactly what I think of her. But I guess she didn't like it much and now tempers rose

Ohh Oohh... Now I am royally Screwed..

And that Ladies and GentleMen, is How Terminator Began

Many more such gems coming soon.. Keep watching this space.

Phone Used: HTC Desire
Rom: MIUI-AU
You can download IRIS from here or scan the QR Code below

The Screen shots contain black spaces where I have edited out the Oh Soo.. Un-Interesting Questions and Responses. The Label Career Reads Google as it has been modified using some Root only tools.

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Shit IRIS Says - 1

2011-11-11T22:03:00.001+11:00

So I am sure, you would have heard of SIRI on the new iPhone 4S.

Well we Android guys had have voice recognition for a long time now. But then came along SIRI and the world thought, Ohh Woww.. Apple innovates again.

So one fine day, Narayan Babu sat down, and in 8 Hours made IRIS.
(Read more about it here)

And the rest as they say is History. I have been playing with IRIS for a long time now on my phone and thought I would share some of the funniest answers that my dear IRIS has provided me with so far.

Many more such gems coming soon.. Keep watching this space.

Phone Used: HTC Desire
Rom: MIUI-AU
You can download IRIS from here or scan the QR Code below

Data never Lies

2011-11-10T11:51:00.000+11:00

As we all know Data never lies.

And in today's modern day and age I guess the one giant repository of data which we all believe in, have access to and can look up in case we need; is what else but Google.

Now the number of results a Search Query returns in Google should be a fare indication of the mind set of people in the world, as to what they think and search for.

Yesterday I wrote a post about Job Satisfaction and that got me thinking, if there was anyway that can I collect data and may be find out some rough numbers as to what percentage of people are satisfied with their jobs.

That thought led to a little experiment which hardly took all of 0.37 Seconds and I had the data at my fingertips.

Today morning I ran two queries in Google and got the below results.

Now what do you think that denotes ? I would leave the interpretation of the data up to you.

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Searching for Passion

2011-11-09T14:29:00.002+11:00

I am currently reading a Book, In The Plex: How Google Thinks, Works, and Shapes Our Lives by Steven Levy.
When I started the book I had a preconception that this book would be about the two finders, how the company came along and blah blah.. Just like the many other books/articles I have read about Google till now.

So far I am only in the Second Chapter of the Book (so this is in no ways a book review), but the book has thrown up some surprises already. For a large part it is not only about the founders of Google, but also about the people behind the scenes, who we (the normal junta) never hear of. Who helped make what the company is today.
A group of people who are enthusiastic about what they do. They love their work and want to change the world with that they can accomplish.

It’s this passion, this zeal, this fervor, this excitement that most of us lack.
Yesterday I was in a Google Developer Day Summit at Sydney, where I heard Tarjei Vassbotn give a 5 minute Ignite talk about "There and back again - a detour" about how after being falsely diagonsed with Leukimia he lost and re-found the passion for his work.

I am at a similar diversion in my life right now, (No I have not been diagonsed with Leukimia), and I don’t know what I want to do next.

For the past 4 years I have loved what I do, I never thought that coming from a world of Machines and Engines I would so easily fall in love with this Box on which I am typing right now and enjoy writing some text to make it do what I want it to do.

My friends and family have been asking me for a long time now to change jobs, to study more get another degree, get a transfer to a different city. But I was one of the few people who is lucky enough to say that they have Job Satisfaction, that they like what they do and do what they like.

But since the past few months, that excitement, that passion is missing. I guess I am looking for a change, to find the next thing which I am interested in, searching for the next avenue to channel my passion into. So far I am afraid that I havnt found what I am looking for, So I guess it’s time to go back to the roots, try out new things, see what grabs my interest , fail couple of times and hopefully discover something what I want to do next.

I hope I am not lost for too long and if not find a new avenue then may be gain back my passion for what I do.

(For those of you who want to know more about Ignite see here)

(And if you are from my employer… Mehhh..)

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First Google+ Sydney Photowalk

2011-11-04T21:59:00.001+11:00

Thanks to +Lockey McGrath, +Giuseppe Basile , +Michael Sutton & +Gretchen Chappelle and the Google Australia Team at Sydney for the Wonderful time and experience.

The below video was captured by Lockey on his Canon 5D markll

For more details see here

See if you can spot me in the video.
Hint:

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Press Any Key to Continue

2011-11-04T10:47:00.000+11:00

No, Its not plagiarized. You can create your own comic strips here: Rage Comics Builder

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Google: Microsoft is Dying

2011-11-03T15:54:00.000+11:00

Some of you might know, that I mostly work on Microsoft Technologies.
(No, and I don't mean Microsoft Office)

Even though Microsoft is my Bread-and-Butter (so to speak) I am not a Big Fan of M$ .

A long time ago when I was a Mechanical Student in college, I was surrounded by friends who were almost all Computer Science students.

They were all hardcore Java or Microsoft Fans, and I don't know why or from where the Linux bug bit me.

I started playing around/messing in Linux and after 3 Months or so when I had my feet set in, I removed Windows from my Laptop completely.

I was an alien amongst my Computer Science friends, for them it was a Sacrilege that a Mechanical guy who should be running around with Engine Parts and Grease on his hands was dipping his nose in Linux while all of the So-Called-Computer Students were mortally afraid of it.

But time passed, I got a job in an IT firm and left my Turbine and Engine Days far behind me. And my company wanted me to work on building stuff based on what Microsoft was doing.

So here I was , A hard core Linux user/fan-boy at home, who then went to office and worked on Microsoft all day (and sometimes all night long)

In Hindi we have a Proverb: जिस थाली में खाता है , उसी थाली में छेद करता है

Translation: You make a hole in the same plate which you eat.
( I know doesn't make much sense in English Right ? )

I guess things have changed now. From a day and a time when Microsoft Ruled the Personal Computer. At-least looking at the Google Instant Search Results more and more people seem to be searching about Microsoft Dying or even Microsoft Already Dead.

Hmm.... Interesting, I guess people think that Microsoft is also going to go the same way as IBM, and the Dinosaurs .

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Google: Lazy People of the World

2011-11-02T12:32:00.000+11:00

Ever since Google launched the Google Instant feature , Our search times have been reduced drastically, as Google starts predicting what we are trying to search depending upon what people have searched in the past.

This leads to some deep insights on the collective psyche of the Human Race, by revealing How and What people think about and want to know the answers to.

I guess with this post. I am going to start a new series of posts (which may or may-not continue in the future) about what I see when I use Google Instant.

The first in this Series: A look into how lazy we have become and we do so that we do not need to read a book or even watch a movie.

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

How can you stay Mad - 2

2011-10-29T17:14:00.000+11:00

How can you stay mad at this guy ?

This is the second post in the Series of Kitty Cuteness and what Humans can do as a result.

The first can be found here: How can you stay Mad - 1

P.S. I know this sort of humour is not for everyone. Buttt.. Mehh... The Honey Badger doesn't care

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In-Email(Flight) Passenger Announcements

2011-10-26T14:03:00.001+11:00

Email, A very simple mode of communication.
One which I use everyday, and once when I start typing something, without any thoughts or plan , Such Emails can go Haywire.

This post is dedicated to my friend , who after getting the below email first thing in the morning, Did not murder me (Yet)

I am copying the mail as such without any edits

Good Morning <Name Hidden for confidentiality>

Welcome to another new day in your life.
Please fasten your seat belt, Tray table band kar le, and khidki khuli rakhey...

Seat Belt: Us se kya hoga ?

Seat belt baandhney se aap ek hi jagah pe rahengey.. and life mein kisi bhi goal ke baare mein focussed rehna bahut zaroori hai....

Tray table: Us se kya hoga ?

Tray table band karne se aap apney life ki choti choti luxuries ka tyaag kar rahe hai..But agar aapko life mein kahin pahuchna hai (in this case your flight destination) aapko tyaag karna bahut zaroori hai ..

Khidki Khuli: Us se kya hoga ?

Khidki khuli rakhney se aapko naye naye cheezey dikhegi... jis se aapko naye naye ideas aayengey..
Agar aap Kursi peti baandhney (Concentrate on your goals) , Tray table band karne (Make small sacrifices) ke baad bhi apney goal/destination tak nahi pahuch paa rahe hai, to yahi khuli hui khidki aapko naye ideas degi..

Waah Waah.. :D .. Non Stop bakwaas mein to main ekdum expert ho gaya hoo :D ,..

I smell a Blog post coming up :D ;-)

Now enjoy your day knowing ki your daily quota of Awsome Gyaan has been filled up B-)

As they say... if you have friend like me, who needs enemies

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I crave for Mediocrity

2011-10-24T19:06:00.001+11:00

Mediocre
Ordinary
Unexceptional
Typical

Some of the classifications which we all want to break free of. Everyone wants to make their mark in this world. To stand out from the crowd. To Boldly go where No Man/Woman has gone before.

I have a friend who inspires me to think differently.

Her daily struggle is to be Ordinary, not to stand out from the crowd.
She craves to be one of the millions of faces who you forget as soon as you see them.

She desires no special attention. She wants to be just one of the Gang.

Honouring her wishes, I will not share her profile or her blog link here, as I would be then doing the exact opposite of what she wants.

She is an Autistic and an ORDINARY human being.

You know who you are.

P.S. : Just a humble request to all. Treat everyone as your equal and as Bill and Ted said: Be Excellent to each other.

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Whatever comes the Easiest

2011-10-24T12:09:00.000+11:00

As usual , his SPAM Folder was full of offers where people from Africa and Oil Rich Countries were ready to transfer all their fortune to him.

He had again won about 2346 different lotteries.

And he also had many lucrative job offers from companies in different countries and all he had to do was transfer 100$ to them for paper processing.

But then one such SPAM mail caught his attention, It wasn’t so different from the others in the folder. Nor did it have the single shred of authencity about it.

But the name of the Company in the Subject line caught his fancy.
(The Spammer of-course had no connection to the company what-so-ever)

It was the same Company which he had admired since his days in the University.
The same company which he aspired to work with since the day he had touched the wonderful and magical machine.

But then, he knew that he won’t do anything about it. He had always been taking the easy way out.

Instead of chasing behind his dreams, he always settled.
He always settled with whatever came the easiest.

He was not a warrior, he never challenged the Status-Quo, he never longed for more then what was available to him.

He was one who THEORITICALLY didn’t believe in “Destiny” or “Luck” or “Fate”.
But I guess he was a Hypocrite, who never tried to make his own destiny.

He only travelled the path which was laid out before him. He took the turns which were offered to him.
He was never a TrailBlaizer, He was never the one who would put his life on the line and pave the untrodden path.

He would inspire people to to try out different avenues, different adventures, do something diverse with their day to day life and he would also lead them and show them the way.

But when it came to his own life, The things that really mattered. The things that shaped his next 10 years to come.
He would always back down and would continue on what came next.

He dreams every single day of what he could have done with his life, or what he can do, or what he should do.
But never gets to doing it.

He settles with whatever comes the easiest.

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Google+ Photowalk Sydney

2011-10-22T11:32:00.002+11:00

Well today is the big day for all of us here in Sydney Australia we have our first ever Google+ photo walk hosted by Michael Sutton , Gretchen Chappelle and Giuseppe Basile and supported by Lockey McGrath from Google and many more Google employees.

As of the time of creating this post we have 144 people registered for the walk.

We will be walking from the Archibald Fountain in Hyde Park http://goo.gl/XvOj2 making our way down to Circular Quay then up to Observatory Hill where Google will be putting on drinks for everyone.

During the walk today we will be visiting a few of the Art and About exhibits more can be found about them at http://www.artandabout.com.au/ and for the iPhone users coming yes there is an App for that at http://goo.gl/Q5D3m.

The QR Code attached is the route we plan on taking today.

Scan the code --> Click View when the page opens --> Open the file in Google Earth/Maps

RSVP
RSVP by filling out this form here ---> http://goo.gl/XvOj2

MEET
4pm @ Archibald fountain in Hyde park.
Link to google maps here --> http://goo.gl/mP73F
We'll check out a couple of Art&About installations in the city (see cool photos of the art from Andrew Quilty ), make our way through the botanical gardens and finish up around Circular Quay.

BRING
Any camera type is welcome from disposable film, smartphones right up to high-end DSLRs.

SOCIALISE
After the photowalk we're going to cool off with a drink or two around Circular Quay where we'll get a chance to mingle & check-out each others photos from the day.

Hope to see many of you there.

Information for this post has been taken from Giuseppe and Michael posts on Google+

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If it can be Googled, don't ask me

2011-10-18T00:29:00.000+11:00

For anyone who comes to me with Stupid Questions. I have the following:

Rule of thumb: If it can be Googled, don't ask me!

Unless of course:

A. You are too lazy to Google it, so you rather use me to do it for you.

B. You don't have time to Google it, so you rather use my time to do it for you.

C. You don't trust Google, in which case you trust that I might end up Googling it anyways..(circularity here..)

D. You already searched in Google, to no avail.

E. You can't Google (that's sad).

F. Your question is really unGooglable. (What kind of question is that?)

G. You want the human element in the mix, you want to interact with me (how nice of you).

H. Other possible scenarios (?).

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Why do boys don't need a Girl Friend

2011-10-14T21:16:00.001+11:00

Sorry the women of the world. But I couldn't help it.

When people share something on Social Networking sites, I don't know why, But I always get a weird itch, which makes me want to always respond to them or to put it correctly. Always dis-agree with them.

So another post which was a response to one of my friend's Facebook Status updates:
The original facebook post:

And my response:

Why do boys dont need a girl friend ?
Coz she

-will never leave u alone . Even when you ask her to. PERIOD
-will see to it that u cant get any of ur work done
-will make sure u don't skip to pay for her meals..
-will ask u to leave all ur habits everyday, everytime..
-will fight with u.
-will spend all your money
-will be the reason for all your worries
-will make u punctual when something needs to be done for her..
-will help u restrain ur anger..by making it a constant state of mind all the time
-will talk to you 15 times a day to know what you're doing..Even when you are in the middle of work and she clearly knows that you cant talk.

You will feel bugged all the time, and the truth is you can do everything without her.

P.S.: I know , another offensive post. Now bring on the hate.

P.P.S.: This post was written not from what I believe but to annoy my facebook friends who day in and day out post such mushy idiotic messages

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

But again I Digress

2011-10-14T13:15:00.000+11:00

Ok, Here we go..

(DAMN ! You meeting invites, leave me alone on a Friday) ..
(After 3 hours , 5 coffees and 4 conference calls) Ok.. This time, let’s definitely go.

But Again I Digress, - These used to be my 3 favorite words.

(Ohh.. wait a minute, that’s 4 words) Anyways moving on.

So as I was saying, These 'n' number of words were my favorite which I used to use in almost every post I ever wrote.

Why You ask me ?

(Ok, even if you don’t ask me I will still tell you anyways. It’s not like you have a choice, Since I am the one writing and you are the one reading.)

Yes, so where were we? Ohh yes... Why did I digressed such a lot,
Simple Da/Ra/Macha/Bondhu/Mitra/Yaar/ Hot Female/Not So Hot Female/Any Female..
(Really a female reading what I write. Bucket List No 67 - Accomplished)

I Digress because I have a very small attention span. If I start talking about one thing, pretty soon I would be talking about the weather in Timbaktoo and then move on to the Global Financial Crisis and finally ending with discussing the receipe of the awsome Chicken Curry that I make.

But in the past month or so, I have been staying more or less ON TOPIC when it comes to posts on this blog. And I am starting to miss all my useless/mindless/directionless ramblings.

People’s expectations have risen by a great degree. They have started to categorize me as:

Funny Bloke
Gyaan Pradaan karne wala Guru
Bestest Awsomest Cartoon Maker
Etc Etc ..

But I am none of those things. I love to DIGRESS and say that DIGRESSING is my birth right and … Ohhh… look… its raining outside.

UPDATE: I hope someone understands what I am trying to say here. But I doubt it. And as I always say: Sarcasm is a Lost Art

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

What makes you content in life ?

2011-10-13T19:08:00.000+11:00

Another day and another post taken from one of my Emails to my colleagues.

This post was a response to an Email from my boss:

"What makes you content in life.. Money..Achievements & Recognition (Awards )..Or the smaller things ..like the cliched ‘good bottle of wine and a good book/movie’ or writing defect less code , going on crazy & adventurous trips etc

And more importantly ..when do you think you are content..Will you be able to realise it when you get there…will you stop your “Search for Happyness"

My Reply is below:
(There might be lots of typos and grammatical mistakes, which I don't want to correct, as this mail was written in the heat of the moment and I think should remain so.)

Content/Happiness/Satisfaction… Is a very nimble and rapidly changing State of mind

This state of Satisfaction varies with Time and situation in life.

A Normal Human being (including me) I can’t put a finger on a commodity, an achievement or a state if mind and say:

If I achieve “THIS” I would be satisfied with my life

The Mythical State of Nirvana, in this modern world is exactly that a MYTH

If I wanted to Generalize I would say something like below:
(And as it is true for most generalizations, this again might be false)

Assumption: The character in discussion here is a Male from a Middle class family and lives a more of less Common Lifestyle without too many extra-ordinary events.

Or in other words, A Mediocre Man’s life

If I was to plot the Level of Satisfaction with a Person’s age . Explanation below
(My first ever Excel Graph- So be kind)

Age	Satisfaction Percenrage	Reasons/Comments
1	100	When a child is young, I believe he is most satisfied. His most pressing concern is food and sleep.
5	90	As he grows a bit older, Priorities change and Materials/Articles and Immaterial things like Toys, start taking Priority as well. But even the Child is quite satisfied
10	70	Around Age 10, the child’s satisfaction now beings to be manipulated and also dependent on not only his, but his parents’ wishes as well. They may take away his toys, reduce his play time, not let him watch his favorite TV Show, if they think that the Child needs to study more etc. So now is the stage, when the Level of Contentment is being stimulated, controlled and affected by other’s wishes
15	50	At the onset of teenage, this is the stage when the child is now growing up. The child thinks of himself as a “Person”, capable enough of making his own decisions and formulating and controlling his own path in life. But at this stage, the parents still conceive the teenager as a child, who doesn’t know and understand the world around him. Who still needs their guidance and Holding Hands to keep the child safe. So this is also the stage of the greatest conflict between a parent and child.
22	80	Around 22, I am assuming that the person is now educated and has also acquired a job (Yaa.. I know.. big assumption) So he is at the onset of his new career, about to embark on a new journey of his life, where he is finally not controlled by his parents but gains the independence to make his own decisions and be free
25	50	But the same job which was satisfying to the person at 22 , starts to seem like a hindrance, a diatribe to him now, He wishes to move on, to break free to bigger and better things in life, He strives to bring a change to his boring routine. This is also the time when for some the dreams of Grandeur begins, When the person starts to believe that he should do something to change the world, something to shape the consciousness of the human kind. Do something which makes him matter as an human being
27	80	Around this age, let’s assume that guy gets married, (And I am assuming a happy marriage for him) so he is happy. He is satisfied with his new job, his new life, his new journey of life and this time with a partner
29	40	Now the person, who was once a child and content in his life, becomes a father, and has a child of his own. He is now worried about the well being of his child and overwhelmed with the responsibilities that bringing a child into this world associates with itself. His life goes haywire. This is also the start of the Constant phase of Dis-Satisfaction of his life
35	30	The first child is now in school and the second one is on its way. The state of anarchy continues.
45	40	The children now need to go to college, pursue higher studies in foreign universities. Our person is constantly trying to keep up with the Rat race and is continuously losing and falling behind. The needs and wants always seem to outweigh what is available and plausible
60	70	Our person finally is at the end of his Rat Race, he has done it, He has completed his part of life. His children are now settled in their jobs and roles and responsibilities in life and finally the person has time to stop and take a breath
80	60	And just when he thought that good times are here to stay. His health starts to fail him. The constant medication-hospitals, and sometimes the children who now don’t care about the person bring down his level of contentment

At the end he is finally happy and content, when he passes on from this world.

Its now that he is finally out of the race and reached his ultimate destination

But as one journey ends, anotherbegins, and now its his son’s/daughters time to go through the same viciouscycle .
And the world moves on.

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

How can you stay Mad - 1

2011-10-12T19:37:00.001+11:00

How can you stay mad at this guy ?

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

India created Apple

2011-10-11T10:23:00.000+11:00

Today morning I had a chat conversation with one of my colleagues, when he pinged me a what I suppose is a Head Lines from The Times of India.
The transcript is below:

Colleague 10:07 AM

The monk who sold Apples

rofl

times of india wala

Choudhary, Shrijeet 10:08 AM

India Says: We made him the Monk that he was
So Indians are the ones who changed the World of Computing

Choudhary, Shrijeet 10:08 AM

Congress Steps up and declares: We were in Power when he visited

Colleague 10:08 AM

lol

Choudhary, Shrijeet 10:08 AM

So gandhi family takes all credit

Choudhary, Shrijeet 10:09 AM

Then RSS and BJP retort , that Steve went to meet some baba so Hindutva Prevails

And then Kerala and Bengal mein Strike.. Why didnt Steve Jobs visit these two places, Lets BoyCott all Apple Products
Cholbey Naa...Cholbey Naa...

Colleague 10:10 AM

ha ah ha

Ok now back to work...

DISCLAIMER: I am not-political and don't support or give a DAMN about any of these parties.
So if some of you find this offensive. Feel free to close the window and go and went your resentment some place else

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Uninvited Unknows

2011-10-10T23:49:00.000+11:00

You meet someone, and after Hi, Hellos and few laughs move on.

But what if these Unknowns decide to stay and follow you around ? Meddle and Mess in everything you do.

You keep on wondering, Did I send the wrong message ? Was it not clear from the beginning that the initial Hie, will also have an associated Bye ?

These Uninvited Unknowns have the Uncanny habit of getting on your nerves and driving you insane all within the span of a few minutes.

No matter how much to try and ignore them, They would still linger around the edges and just when you think you have got rid of them, They pop in again like an Idiotic Ghost in a B Grade Horror Movie.

You don't want to be rude and harsh with them and ask them to DASH OFF once and for all, And you can't stand them being around.

SIGH !! .. A dilemma I face day in and day out and the count of Uninvited Unknowns keeps on rising.

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

A Simple Man

2011-10-10T12:24:00.000+11:00

He was the Driver at the small village hospital where my dad was posted as a Doctor.
His job was to drive the Ambulance, the Government Hospital Jeep and every feasible/available vehicle at the hospital.

When I was a kid he was my best friend, as who else to run to but the “Driver Uncle”.

The Uncle who can take you for free joy rides around the village, drop you off to school occasionally when you are running late (which was very often).
Take you to the sweet shop to get Samosa-Jalebi in the evenings.
Come to pick you up at the small village bus-stand when you get back from your journeys.

He was a simple man, with a simple small family.
One son and one daughter, who were both elder to me. (My playmates)
He was very resolute about their education and extremely strict when it came to their homework or exam.

Being a kid I never understood the reason behind this. For me he was dragging away my friends from the playground when we were just getting into the final part of the silly games that kids play.
For me it was an enigma as to why Driver Uncle would be so strict on small kids for their homework.

Years passed. I moved away to a bigger cities for my own education with occasional visits to the village where dad was still posted.
Driver Uncle would still be there at the Bus-Stand with a smile on his face and ready to buy and share a plate of Samosa’s from the vendor.

I would sheepishly say a formal hello to him, enquire about his family and then commence an awkard silent journey to home.

This continued for many years, until the time I last went home before I had to leave to join my new job.
I spent a couple of weeks at home and when it was time for me to leave. Driver Uncle was again there to drop me off at the Bus-Stand.

This time around, the journey was not a silent one. He asked me a simple question: “आप क्या बनने वाले हो ?”

(Translation: So what are you going to become now?)

I was intrigued and confused at the same time as to how to explain to a simple village man what a Software Enginner is.
I tried to dumb down things and mumble something like: “मैं दिन भर कंप्यूटर में बैठ के काम करने वाला हूँ . वैसा कंप्यूटर जैसा की अपने हॉस्पिटल के ऑफिस में रखा है.”

(Translation: “I am going to be working on computers all day long.A similar kind of machine what is present in our hospital’s office”)

To this he asked me the name of the Company where I would be working. I was again baffled as to how to tell him the name of my company and would he even know of it.

He said: “मेरे दोनों बच्चे भी बैंगलोर में काम करते है , इन्फोसिस में , हो सके तो आप उनसे मिल लेना .”

(Translation: Both my kids are working at Bangalore in Infosys; If possible do meet up with them)

He continued: “बहुत अच्छी बात है की आप लोग सब पढ़ लीख के अच्छा काम करने जा रहे हो . बहुत ज़रूरी है ज़िन्दगी में बड़ा सोचने की.

हर कोई बचपन में सोचता है , मैं डॉक्टर बनूँगा, मैं इंजिनियर बनूँगा .
और एक मैं था . मैं बचपन से ही सोचता था, मुझे गाड़ियां पसंद थी . मैं बचपन से ही सोचता था मैं बड़ा होके ड्राईवर बनूँगा.”.

(Translation: “It’s really good that all of you are going to do good jobs after getting your education. It’s very important in life to think big.

Everyone when they are kids think about becoming a Doctor, or an Engineer when they grow up.

But me, I loved automobiles since I was a kid. I always wanted to be a Driver when I grow up.”)

“बस यही ख़ुशी है की अपने बच्चे अच्छी जगह पहुच गए.”

(Translation: “I am happy that all the kids have ended up in good positions in life.”)

I was tounge tied as to what to reply to this Simple Man, who never thought for a Big Goal for himself. Had simple wants and needs for his own life.

And ended up acheviecing his goal of what he wanted to become in life.

But it was this same simple man who understood that his kids should achieve far more then he did and strived to accomplish what he envisoned for them.

A Simple Man who realized what he set out to become and got his kids to the position in life where he envisoned them to be.

A Simple Man who was through with running the rat race which we all are a part of everyday. We who always want more and are never satisfied with what we have.

I hope that someday I can be in the same position as the Simple Man, at peace with my life and content with what I have done with the small amount of time I have.

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

House Keeping

2011-10-08T18:34:00.001+11:00

Unlike most bloggers, I don't write about one Simple topic or about a Single theme or Idea.

My topics may vary each and everyday incoherently, and I guess that's mainly due to how I write.

If I get a thought in my head which I think needs to be put down on paper. I start banging on my keyboard until something appears on the screen.

Most of my posts are written and published within a span of 15-20 minutes from the time I start writing them.
And even in those 20 minutes, if I lose the momentum or get busy/distracted with someone/something else. I leave those posts as such.

I write in the heat of the moment, without so much as a second review of what I have written (Other then a Spell check maybe).

Many people have suggested to me that I should concentrate on one topic and stick to it. But that's never going to happen.
This is not the place for me to stick to one topic.

It's due to this reason, that many of my readers and friends are quick to classify this blog into very broad categories.

If you would have read this blog about 2 years ago, You would only have seen, depressing, philosophical posts about ..well... about everything.

Since past 1 year, I guess I have deviated to writing more of what people consider as humour (but which I think is the normal way of life for me).

Then again some of my friends are complaining that I have stopped writing now and starting making more of cartoons.

And I know myself that in these past years, I have ended up rambling and taking out my frustration on this blog many a times.

So today I finally decided to clean things up a bit, arrange them and help the readers find what they are looking for.

So you would see a Bar up top now (No not that kind of a bar) with links to the broad categories which I think I write about. i.e. :

Humour
Philosophy
Cartoons
Diary
Ramblings

The posts classified among these broad topics may again mix and match as much of my philosophy is derived from what I go through.
And many of my humorous posts are stories about what took place in my life.

Hope this helps someone keep their sanity

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

I hate you Coffee Snobs

2011-10-07T15:49:00.002+11:00

Coffee Snobs, I hardly ever came across them when I was in India.
At work I had 2 (free) choices. Press a button on an ancient machine and get either

Tea
Coffee (mostly hot water)

If I wanted to splurge in a proper Café , I would then have 3 broad classifications:

Cold Coffee (with Icy Bits)
Hot Coffee (with Steam coming out)
Weird-Looking-Colourful-Drinks (with weird names)

But since coming to Sydney, I see coffee snobs all around me, always with an opinion on what kind of Coffee Beans to use, or how they should be grounded, or how much milk/sugar/water and what not to mix in them.

What follows now: Is a confession and No I am not ashamed of it.

I like those Weird Looking Colorful Drinks, Yes. I do !!

When ever I would go to any café with my friend, I would always order a color ful drink with names like: Chilli Morkel, Ginger Fizz, WaterMellon Sparkel etc etc. And she would order some or the other Hot Coffee.

Chilli Morkel

Ginger Fizz

No Idea what its called

The waiter would serve the hot drink to me, and the colorful drink to her. Which then I would proudly exchange and start sipping on sweet colorful drinks.

Why this Gender discrimination I ask you? Can’t a guy order a colorful looking drink? And a girl normal Coffee?

(But after some regular visits, even the waiter understood that I am the one who orders weird drinks and then on he served correctly)

In my office in Sydney, we have a coffee machine on our floor with so many thinga-majigs that it would confuse Einstein as to which buttons to press and what drink would come out.

I like my Hot Coffee Sweet, So I mix Chocolate Powder in it and lots of Sugar, with Milk before pressing the button for Capuchino. The congregation which is then formed, I like to call it as ...err.. No I dont have a name for it All Right !!.

But Noooo.. The coffee snobs wouldn’t leave me alone here as well. And today morning I finally lost my temper and had a go at them.

Coffee Snob: “Woww So much sugar, Dude you are not supposed to mix so much sugar in a coffee” That’s not how a coffee is supposed to be made. It should be dark and strong with a burnt aroma of the powder.”

Frustrated Me: “Ohhh Yaa.. and who makes those rules? Who was the GodFather of Coffee Drinking who had these rules written down on a stone tablet and passed them to Moses to preach to the world?”

Me: “Tell me Coffee Snob, If there are so many rules to drinking coffee, What do you think was on the mind of the first guy who thought. Hmmmm.. those beans on that tree looks interesting… let me crush them, mix them with some hot milk and drink that. And I name this drink Coffee.”

Me: “Or while we are on the subject. Who do you think was the first genius who decided on looking at a cow, Hmm.. Let me sexually molest that animal, press those dangly things on that cow and drink whatever comes out (milk)”

Me: “Dude.. I drink what I like, and maybe someday your grand-son would be preaching to someone else in a similar office: Man.. That’s now how the great Shrijeet used to make his cofffee.. You are all wrong !!”

So my dear coffee snobs. Stop behaving as if you are the God’s Final word to coffee drinkers around the world. And leave us poor souls alone. And let us all enjoy what we want to drink.

Cheers..

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Save the Fellas

2011-10-05T22:21:00.002+11:00

The phone conversation usually goes like this:

Him: How are you?

Her: Ok.

Him: What's wrong??

Her: Nothing.

At this point fellas you should abandon ship and get out of the house before she gets home!

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

The Boy with the Blue eyes

2011-09-16T10:41:00.003+10:00

The young man wiped his brow with his handkerchief for what seemed like the 100th time.
His palms were sweaty.
The T-Shirt which proclaimed loud and clear of “Being Human” was already drenched in sweat.

It seemed like the longest day of the year to him. He had hardly slept the night before in anticipation of the next day.
And on the next day had woken up at 3 AM just after an hour of shutting his eyes.
His head was throbbing with a headache the likes of which he had never experienced before.

He kept on checking his mobile phone every couple of minutes for any new call or message, which would put him out of this misery.
The cacophony around him was enough to drive anyone over the edge

He was not alone.
He was surrounded by hundreds of others just like him, all jostling for the same goal.

Suddenly someone tugged at his jeans. He thought it was a pick-pocket and got ready to grab someone’s hand and punch him in the face.
After all he already had his wallet stolen 3 times on similar days.

But when he looked down, he was gazing into the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen. The eyes were like the expanses of the great blue ocean with specks of green in them.

These beautiful eyes which were staring up at him and were sad.
The young man was again out of habit about to shrug off the boy.

The boy was just like the innumerable ones he saw and ignored every day. He would have been maybe 6 years old.
The same dirty torn clothes, the bare feet, the muddy face.

But at the same time there was something very different about him. The boy had a small puppy lovingly cradled in his arms.

The boy was clinging onto the puppy and also to an open half empty packet of bread.
The puppy was squirming to get out of the loving and careful hug of the boy.

The little boy spoke: “भाई दस रुपैये दो ना भाई. ढूध खरीदना है.” (Translated: Brother/Sir, Can you please give me 10 rupees, I need to buy some milk)

The young sweaty man was intrigued. He had been asked for money many a times for reasons such as: “…haven’t eaten for 3 days”, “…mom needs medicine”, “….school fees” etc etc.
But not once he had been asked for money for buying milk.

The young man asked the boy: “ब्रेड है ना तेरे पास , वो खा ना . भीक क्यूँ मांग रहा है ?”. (Translated: “You already have the bread. Eat that. Why are you begging”)

The little boy with the blue eyes filled with all the innocence in the world replied: “भाई , टोमी छोटा है , सूखा ब्रेद नहीं खा पाता. उसको ढूध में डाल के देना पड़ेगा. वो कल से कुछ नहीं खाया”
(Translated : “Sir, Tommy (the dog) is too little. He is not able to eat the dry bread. I need to mix some milk in it. He hasn’t eaten since yesterday”)

The young man was left speechless. He thought he was doing the right thing “Being Human” by motivating the little boy with blue eyes not to beg.
And here was this little boy, not worried about himself, but for his friend, little Tommy, who can’t chew the dry bread.

The young man took the little boy with blue eyes and his tommy. Got out of the crowd, and took them to a small road side shop.
Bought a packet of milk for the boy and his tommy. The young man and the little boy mixed the bread and the milk for tommy.

The sadness from those deep blue eyes was gone, which was replaced with a sense of joy, jubilation and satisfaction as he saw his tommy eat up the now soft bread and drink the platter of milk.

The little boy walked away happily, with tommy running behind him, as the young man again took out his handkerchief.

Not to wipe his brow this time, but his wet eyes.

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

No Pun Intended

2011-09-15T10:40:00.000+10:00

Few days ago saw a comic strip on xkcd (the image you see here) on how context of sentences change when you add 3 little words: "No Pun Intended" out of context.

India is my Country. All Indians are my Brothers and Sisters. No Pun Intended.

And God said to Moses, "I am the Lord. I appeared to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, as God Almighty. No Pun Intended.

YES WE CAN. No Pun Intended

Change has come to America. No Pun Intended

Live Long and Prosper. No Pun Intended

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. No Pun Intended

Life is never free of contradictions. No Pun Intended
Manmohan Singh

May the force be with you. No Pun Intended

Here's looking at you, kid. No Pun Intended.

E.T. phone home. No Pun Intended.

Bond. James Bond. No Pun Intended.

UPDATE: As suggested in the comments. Adding one more to the list.

ASS on Fire Takes you Higher. No Pun Intended.

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Truth about Cats

2011-09-11T18:39:00.000+10:00

No, Its not plagiarized. You can create your own comic strips here: Rage Comics Builder

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

My Cubicle Lovestory

2011-09-05T10:19:00.000+10:00

These 3 guys spent the whole day together in that cubicle. They shared the same desk and hung out together most of the time.
Although they had arrived from different places and at different points of time, but now they were comrades, The best buds that ever were.

They were from different races and their skin color was different.
One had squinty eyes, other rectangular evenly spaced eyes and the third. My oh My The Third..
If you only can look at his eyes, you would be mesmerized and be awestruck by the beauty, the symmetry, the uniqueness in those eyes. They held in them a secret which only one who has spent a lot of time with the third could comprehend.

Then one day SHE arrived at their desk, and it changed everything.

She had skin as fair as the maidens of lore, a skin so smooth that you would not be able to control yourself from not touching her. And when you did get to touch her, your hands would slip and slide on that smooth screen.

But behind this outer persona of gentleness, she was as tough as they came. She has weathered all the storms in her life , her rough edges had been smoothened out after battling these very storms, she had journeyed a thousand miles and was now here.

But no one cared about her story. All that everyone saw was how beautiful she was and no one bothered to look beyond the beauty at the pain and suffering which went into making her what she was now.

The three guys, the three friends, the three best buds took one look at her and all of them where in love.
They couldn’t take their eyes off such an exquisite beauty. They were glad that she had come to the same cubicle as theirs.
Each of them considered themselves to be the true worthy aficionado for her. Each of them believed that she was meant to be their soul mate.

Voices were raised, tempers flew and then suddenly when it seemed that the three amigos would be at each other’s throat and their friendship would be lost and gone forever over the fair maiden.

Suddenly the office lights came on and Shrijeet was back at his desk. He lovingly looked at his 3 car models arranged them on his desk and put the stone back in the cubicle drawer.

And thus the tree amigos got back to their daily routine and another day in the life of the Cubicle began

Characters in the Story

Amigo 1

Lamborghini Reventón

Amigo 2

2008 Dodge Challenger SRT8

Amigo 3

BatMobile

The Fair Maiden

A stone picked up at Bondi Beach Sydney

The Cubicle

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Why you no Plank ?

2011-09-01T20:21:00.000+10:00

No, Its not plagiarized. You can create your own comic strips here: Rage Comics Builder

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

The Halfyearly Routine

2011-08-30T22:19:00.001+10:00

No, Its not plagiarized. You can create your own comic strips here: Rage Comics Builder

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Self Strangulation

2011-08-30T21:52:00.000+10:00

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Thanks, But no Thanks - Man's View

2011-08-25T18:10:00.001+10:00

This is an attempt to observe, from a Man’s Perspective the Blog post I read here, written by Ms. ConfusedYuppie.
(No No... No Flamewars please)

Let us first try and look at a bit of history. Prior to Independence the Manly Men (Paedophiles) of the nation were really interested in marrying toddlers (Yes from my perspective a little 13 year old girl is a toddler)

And since then I am happy to see that we the Men have finally got our wits around us a bit (still a long way to go, but a start none the less).
So even though the average age of Men has risen only by 4 years, the average age of Women has incresed by 6 (You go Girl).

Why this difference you ask me? (Well even if you don’t ask me I am going to tell you anyways)
I think, the main reason for men marrying young is FRUSTRATION.

Yes Yes.. Its not family pressure, its not, “Hey look man your all your friend’s are getting married and you are not” and its also not the feeling of “I have achieved enough in life and now I should start a family.”

Frustration that Golden Mister (yes every guy thinks he is God’s gift to woman kind) has not yet been able to attain a single female of the species who he can call as his Girlfriend.

Come on, You know what I am talking about.

The Common Indian Male is too toung tied, too self conscious, too timid to have a sensible conversation with a Golden Missess without breaking into hives (ok sweat at least) and stammering his way through a simple hello as if he is trying to recite the Unabridged version Othello.

What I am trying to convey here was very aptly put into words last week by one of my Aussie Colleagues when he heard that, one of my 30+ Year old Indian Male Team mate was going to India to see girls and select one:

Mr Indian Guy: “So Mr Aussie guy, See you after 2 weeks.”

Mr Aussie Guy: “So you are going to meet these girls just once for a few hours in a room filled with both your families, and then decide who you are going to spend the rest of your life with?”

Mr Indian Guy: “Err … Yes”

Mr Aussie Guy: “Dude!!! There are many other ways to get laid”

Now let’s assume that you are a single, moderately successful Indian Man living on his own in a metropolis. And even imagine (you may have to stretch your imagination for this-I certainly had to) that you are a macho, confident, Hunk-with-brains who can get any woman in the country.

What would your choices be? And how would you react if they ever proposed to you? (Or in our country how would you react if their families ever came knocking)

DISCLAIMER: The above paragraph has been plagiarized from Ms. ConfusedYuppie’s Blog post and only the gender and adjectives have been changed.

Candidate 1: “SO CALLED ITEM GIRLS” (Mallika Sherawat/Rakhi Sawant):

PROs: HOT HOT HOT HOT !! …..And did I mention.. HOT HOT HOT HOT !!

CONs: Once you look away from their hotness……………………………………………………………………….
……….. I am sorry what was I saying?….
Err.. Yes.. Once you look away from their hotness and their perfectly shaped anatomical body parts, You may notice that there is another part of their Anatomy which is missing, The itsy bitsy, unimportant part called the BRAIN.

And since the brain is missing from the body, The TOUNGUE which is now not centrally controlled, goes on a rampage and incoherent ramblings causing uncontrollable mayhem and chaos

Candidate 2: “Social Reformers” (Arundhati Roy and such..)

PROs: They have an Opinion, Yes they do. An opinion about everything, Yes every little thing. They might pen-down couple of good books now and then.

CONs: Scene after wedding:
Male: “So my honey bunny where do you want to go for the honeymoon, should I book tickets for the Bahamas?”

Reply from Social Reformer Hunny Bunny: “Do you know how many children are sleeping without a roof on their head tonight? Do you know the level of corruption of country and the blatant manner in which the political parties are scandalizing the law and governance of our country?”

Male: “Err.. Ok.. No I guess. Then how about going out for a coffee”

Hunny Bunny: “Most coffee plantation workers are children and are paid the equivalent to sweatshop wages and toil under abysmal working conditions. In Guatemala for example, coffee pickers have to pick a 100-pound quota in order to get the minimum wage of less than $3/day”

Male: “Al right let’s stay in”

Candidate 3: “Politician/Film Superstar’ Daughter” (Priyanka Gandhi, Whatever Rajni Kanth’s daughter is called)

PROs: You automatically inherit Daddy’s contacts and connections and you get your 15 minutes of fame when your wedding gains mention on the first page of “Hamara Samachaar” News Paper and 20 minutes of Prime Time coverage,of discussion about the Daughter’s lehenga on the “Hamara NewsChannel”

CONs: (Day after the wedding, Daughter calling Daddy): (Sniff Sniff.. Fighting back tears)”Daddy, he cant make tea like Ramu did daddy, He served me Marie biscuit instead of Parle-G. And he also asked me to come to the dining table to have the tea daddy. I can’t live with this man daddy. He doesn’t love me daddy. He is torturing me. Please send the BMW to pick me up daddy.. the white one.”

Now you understand the plight of the Golden Mister ? With choices such as these, celibacy is far more attractive.
Married women out there, take a bow. The best are, truly taken.

(Plagiarisation Alert yet again)

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Dandiya on Feet

2011-08-23T10:34:00.003+10:00

So today is again going to be one of THOSE blog posts where I take an Email I wrote, modify (fill in Bull Excreta) it and then post it here.

This weekend in Sydney, Us three Roomies/Amigos. Think of us as the Dil Chahta hai, Zindagi na milegi na dubara Gang or something, but much better than them. We scoff and laugh on seeing ZNMD on seeing the public going Ooooo… Aaahhhh…. On watching those actors getting paid and then using Computer Graphics to show them sky diving or diving or what not.

I laughed my ass off when they showed that doing sky diving changes your life’s perspective… err… as we do those things every other weekend.
Be it fly in a jet plane..crawl through underground caves, Surf on sand dunes, explore forests on long bush walks/treks, run marathons, win medals for them, climb trees and swing between them (No STOP thinking of Tarzan and Monkeys), and what not.

Haa…take that you Hrithik Roshan. Katrina should be kissing me and not you, YOU YOU… married dirty old man.

So long story short. Stop believing in filmy stunts and start doing things on your own. Sheesh.. I myself sound like some Filmy movie dialog, like Darr ke aagey SHRIJEET hai..and sell fizzy drinks BUT AGAIN... I DIGRESS!!!

So last week on Thursday evening, we suddenly started planning for a camping trip to Devils Hole Campground in Barrington Tops Rain Forest. But since it was the second last weekend of Winter, before Spring officially begins in Sydney and one of the Amigos had not been to Snowy Mountains (for skiing)

At 4:30 PM we decided to go on another Ski trip to Snowy mountains. Locations and mountain peaks were searched in 15 minutes, accommodation was booked. Vehicle was booked and we were ready to depart the next day Friday at 4 PM.

Winded off work early and moved out at 3 PM from office.
(If you work in my company and are on a higher position then I am then read the above line as I worked hard till 10 PM)

This time, we had decided to take proper Skiing lessons and not like last winter where we pretended to stand on skis and pose as if we were skiing.

So Saturday morning, Location: Mt.Selwyn.
Classes from 11:30 AM for 2 hours. Where they taught us not to Fall, Stop and Turn.

Super Confident Bum

I was able to learn the not fall. And stop part, but couldn’t learn the turn part.

So I just kept on going straight from peak to bottom of slopes... this worked really well for most of the slopes.. (There were many slopes with greater steepness and difficulty)

And once the classes were done then from 1:30 PM..we were free to go to any peak.. and do what we want. There were ski lifts (Chairs which take you from bottom to up on the peak, like a rope way) .

Skied through Lowest Difficulty Slope.. Easily.. Didn’t fall..
Skied through Medium Difficulty slope... not so easily.. But still didn’t fall. The other two amigos both fell here.

Felt Super Confident and then went up to one the steepest peak on the mountain. Super duper high... and super fast.

What happened next you can see in picture below. Which I drew (Yes I know I paint like those Manet ..Monet Guy). I will explain in detail below

UPDATE: Mehh... One day ends here..and now I need to leave for home So whatever I write after this I am just trying to somehow complete this post in which I have lost all interest in now. Why So ? Details here.

I fell once head over and heals, then when I completely turned around (while falling) my skis got stuck in the ground, like poles so fell again. And kept on tumbling for many feet.

Then stopped, stood up, was super tired. I never knew you can sweat so much in the snow. Seriously !! I was completely drenched in sweat under the warm clothes in Negative temperatures.

Somehow stood up at this point was in the middle of the slope, so there was no option, other then going down.
So started skiing again downwards, and fell 3 more times before I somehow, like a Zombie (not skied) down to the bottom.

And by this time the other two Amigos were taking video which you can see below

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Disco Inferno

2011-08-18T18:01:00.000+10:00

DISCLAIMER: All the information provided below is through Theoretical Studies only. No practical tests or observations have been performed to reach these conclusions. Please follow at your own discretion. The author does not take responsibility for any harm/discomfort after following the below advice.

Everyday in the Morning (Or sometimes in the noon), I walk to work.
Its about a 2Km walk from my home to work and during this time, I have my trusted and loved Philips Head phones in my ears, plugged into my HTC Desire. (Woww... Lots of Sponsorship plugging going on. Do I get paid for this? Hey companies out there? Free Advertising. But again I DIGRESS).

So as I was saying, the 2KM walk which when done on a lazy leisurely pace takes me about 20 minutes to complete on an average (Depending upon the traffic lights – for Pedestrians of-course)

Now most of my friends know that I can’t dance…Err... Let’s rephrase that… I don’t dance…hmm... lil bit more. I refuse to dance. (There now that sounds all right. Pretending as if I have a choice)

But even though I CHOOSE not to dance, I do what I call as “Jiggle” Where while I sit/stand/lye down. I shake my body (booty) in spasms to the beat of the music.
These Spasms are very famous. (Remember the Great Performance on the Plastic Chair of 2007 held at Raipur). Where I ended the performance by falling off the chair.

So as I was saying.. I do Dance.. But in my own way and this got me thinking.

What happens in a Club/Disco? Well let’s see:

If you are a hot chick: You go in, no questions asked.

If you are a guy: You stand at the end of a long queue, waiting to get in. There would be a Danav (Bouncer) at the gate who would judge you and allow you to go in or not after waiting for hours.

Now once you are in: You think you are going to have a good time?
Welll Nooooo.... Its dark as a Dungeon in there with Flashy lights which blind you and you keep on bumping into people who you don’t know.
Well that chick you think you have your arm around. Guess what, that’s a guy's ass.

You think you can chat up a nice girl? (by which I of course mean a hot chick)..Well Nooooo…..With that loud music you can’t even hear yourself thinking, forget about talking to someone else (and by someone else I ofcourse mean Hot chick as talking to a guy after going to a club.. ARE YOU NUTS !!!).

You think you will have couple of Drinks? Well Nooooo..You go up to the Bartender, try and catch his attention in a crowd of millions (Ya that’s what it feels like) while waving your hands trying to imitate a Baboon in Heat, and when he finally notices,
You again need to shout and scream to tell him what drink you want. You tell him something. He understands something and you end up getting something else.
And then you need to pay that guy through your nose.
Why o Why do the drinks cost so damn bloody much in that dark room.

Finally when all your monthly savings are gone and you are slightly drunk, You think to yourself let me go and dance a lil bit. Well Nooooooooo……… There are at that point of time. 1 Million 43 thousand 567 Guys and 3 Hot Chicks on that Dance Floor and if you think you are dexterous enough that you can navigate, move and operate in those confined spaces. Well Bro.. Stop kidding yourself you are not a contortionist and definitely not Harry “The Bloody” Houdini.

So.. Let me get back to my original topic of discussion. Head Phones.. Music.. and Dancing/Spasms.

I am thinking of starting a new and improved trend.. where everyone comes to the party… and everyone brings their own music.. in their iPods, Androids, or Nokia and even some Walkmans (Ya I know you. You still use that walk man)

Everyone puts on their head phones. Pump up the volumes to max and dance/spasm to whatever they want and how ever they want.

How do I hope to create the Club Ambience? Well you wear dark shades of course.
How do I plan to tackle the closed spaces issue? Well these parties would be organized in Public Parks of course. (This also serves the purpose of removing the Danav from the gate as free entry for all- Public/Sexual equality you see)

Drinks? Well get drunk at home of course and then come to the party. I am against drinking and smoking at public places.

Just imagine.. A park full of people. In the day.. Wearing dark glasses.. headphones on… jiggling to something you can’t hear..

Woowww.. Now that’s gonna be the next big thing.

P.S. – I have not been able to come up with a suitable name for such a party/gathering so suggestions are open. Please provide them in the comments below.
I will ofcourse chose the best name provided by you and take all credit for it.

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Non Reliable Indians

2011-08-15T19:30:00.001+10:00

In the ISHPIRIT of Desh Bhakti and all that.. I refused to work for the Firangi's today and took a Day off from Work....

What did you do for your Country today ???
Other than posting Happy Independence Day and changing your Profile Pic to a Flag ?? Huhh ?? Huhh ??

Bharat Maata ki Jai and all That !!!

P.S. : The above screen shot has been Anonynananamized for Privacy of my friends.

P.P.S : As Always the Number of Likes and Comments can be used to guess the Sex of the FB User.

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Airline Customer Care - Part Deux

2011-08-08T17:05:00.000+10:00

Airline Ishtrikes Again…

Hi there, so my vacation is now officially over, I am back to Sydney after spending about a month in India.

This is a follow up to my post a few months ago, Airline Customer Care .

Recap – 'On my last month’s visit to Inda I had to travel from City A to City B and since there was no direct flight, I had to book using a connecting flight through City C.

So I had booked 2 flights by the same Airline flying from City A to City C and then onto City B (my final destination).

But after a lot of cancellations and calls, (read details here) I got my tickets from City A to City D to finally reach City B as City A -> City C flight was cancelled.'

On the day of Travel, my revised first flight from City A was at 9:30 AM, arriving at City D at 11:20 and comfortably allowing me to catch my connecting flight from City D at 13:50.

But I had not taken into account the Legendry Screw-up’s of Airline into consideration.

I have a bad habit of waking up every 2-3 hours to check my Email on my phone, but this bad habit pays off sometimes and this was going to be one of those days.

On the day of travel as well I checked my Mail at 5:30 AM in the morning and was delighted to see an Email from Airlines that my first flight from City A has been delayed by 2.5 Hours and would be reaching City D just 20 minutes before I need to catch my connecting flight. (Which is near impossible)

So once again, I called up the 24 Hour Super Friendly Customer Care of Airlines. And as before was put through the paces of pressing 1s and 2s and 349s to speak to a sleepy human being at 6:00 AM.

Creature: Thanks for calling Airlines. It’s too early for me to comprehend what you are about to say right now and I probably won’t understand and if I do understand I might not bother responding to you so How can I be of Assistance today?

Me: Hey Creature. My Name is Shrijeet. My PNR Number is #### and I have a flight from City A to City D and then connecting flight to City B, but now your City A flight has been delayed which will make me miss my connecting flight.

Creature: Ok Bhai Sahab (Brother Sir), I would need some more information to bring up your details. Now if you can just tell me your name.

Me: Well.. What….Err… I just did that.

Creature: Well Bhai Sahab, you were not supposed to tell me your name then but are supposed to tell me your name now. Now please tell me your name please.

Me: Ok. All right. My Name is Shrijeet.

Creature: So that’s S for Snake, H for Horse, R for Rat…. (continues revising his Biology classes) … and T for Tooth Fairy ?

Me: I sure hope so, as I don’t have the guts to go through my name yet again with you.

Creature: Thanks SHrIjeeT.. Now if you can just provide me with your PNR number.

Me: What .. Well..Err… I did that already.. All right forget about it. I guess I was not supposed to give you my PNR number then. And spare me the horror this time. My PNR number is, B for Balls, F for fish…

Creature: (Interrupting in between) Sorry Sir, Did you mean B for Bull and F for Frog..?

Me: Yes…Yes, Whatever animals, mammals and marsupials you like please.

Creature: Sir can I put you on hold while I pretend to look up your details and you listen to some Death Metal? (Without waiting for a response puts me on hold) Thank You Sir.

Creature: (After 15 minutes) Sorry Sir, I am afraid I can’t help you with this and you would need to contact our representatives directly at the Airport.

Me: Err.. Ok.. Thanks for your help and the Biology Lesson.

Creature: It’s always a pleasure Mr S for Snake, H for Horse…

(I bang the phone down at this point)

--- Getting Impatient ---

At this point of time, I decided to use the Social Media as a last resort and connect to the Official Twitter account of Airlines.

As expected No replies

--- 3 Hours Later I am at the Airport---

I go up to the Airlines Window and tell them of my predicament and again repeat my name in Biological terms (which I am fluent now).

After digging through their records..

Lady in Lots of Makeup: Sir, I am sorry for the inconvenience this delay has caused you. I can re-book your tickets so that you can reach your destination City B while travelling through City C.

Me: (Getting a wild bewildered look and going mad now.. Literally Screaming) WHAT!!! … You want to re-book my flights through City C?

I had originally booked that flight myself and your Airlines had informed me that City C flight was cancelled and had forced me to book my tickets through City D and now you want me to again travel through City C on the same flight which was SUPPOSEDLY cancelled ?

Are you Guys Nuts .. What the hell.. (Lost for words now)

Makeup Lady: Woww Sir, What a miracle sir that your cancelled flight is now not cancelled. Its like those PunarJanam (rebirth) movies sir , Like Karan Arjun, Karz, Kuch Kuch hota hai. Fantabulous Sir.

Me: (Too shocked to correct her that Kuch Kuch hota hai had nothing do with Punarjanam) . Can I please have my tickets now ?

Makeup Lady: Yes. Please continue.

--- 3 Hours Later I land at City C ---

I approach the gates to get on my flight from City C to City B and met Mr Smiley.

Me: (Silently gave my boarding pass to Mr Smiley).

Mr Smiley: (Looking at the boarding pass) Sir you are very early. This flight has been delayed by 3 Hours.

Me: (At this point, I have a lapse of memory but I think first I started crying and then laughing manically like those Danavas/Asuras from the Indian Mythological TV Series)

Mr Smiley: Sir…. Sir.. Can you hear me Sir.. ? Please get a grip on yourself. Sir why don’t you go down to our VIP lounge sir reserved for our Executive Guests and get something to eat. We won’t be charging you for this sir even though you are not eligible for entering this lounge.

Me: (Walks like a Zombie down to the lounge)

After another wait of 3 hours where I tweet and curse to my heart’s content to Airlines, I feel privileged and truly blessed by the God’s to finally catch the flight to City B and land safely.

I almost literally bent down and kissed the tarmac on reaching City B like Agarkar did after he scored his 100th Century at Lords.

(Cricket Factoids might be screwed up)

After Landing at City B, I finally saw a reply from Airlines on Twitter

No Comments

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

PahiyaGaadi

2011-07-15T20:14:00.002+10:00

It’s been 5 days now since I have started to learn how to drive the (what I am convinced is the) “Most Evilest creation of Man ever” or as the people who have tamed these wild beasts call them: - THE CAR .
(There……..right there – Didn’t you just feel a cold tingle down your spine, that’s how evil they are- But again I DIGRESS)

Now since I am a Mechanical Engineer (WOO HOO…. yes I did pass all those 8 semesters) I should be in love with these things and they were one the main reasons after playing all those Need for Speed games why I chose Mechanical as my branch (That and the fact that after “Eenee Meenee Miny Moe”… Moe was Mechanical).

But I should have been warned when during my Job interview (HR) with TCS (WOO HOO.. I still work there) I was the first Bakra in the hall and the conversation which I recall went something like this:

Sophisticated HighClass Intelligent Terrorist (The interviewer, hence forth knows as SHIT ): “So Shrijeet, You are a Mechanical engineer, Interesting”. (Followed by a lot of Moustache twirling) “Why don’t you tell me how would you define a Bullock Cart in terms of a Car?”

Poor Insignificant Suffering Soul (Me, hence forth know as PISS): “Err Sir .. Woww Sir, What a FANTAAASTIC question Sir, I am sure Sir that I can form this analogy.”
(Who ever can count the number of times Sir appears in this post wins a surprise gift)

PISS: “Sir see Sir , I think… No Sir, Sorry Sir, I mean I know (See I am being assertive and confident- lots of brownie points) we can say that a Bullock cart is a Twin Engine Powered vehicle. With the two engines being the two bullocks. Also Sir, It’s a 8 wheel Drive vehicle Sir, the 8 legs of the 2 bullocks since they are independently powered can be considered as 8 wheels.”
(Proud of myself)

SHIT: “Errr… Fascinating .. Please go on..”

PISS: (Woww.. Positive Feedback) “And Sir I would say each engine is Single Cylinder Engine, Since the Bullocks have only one stomach Sir. Sir bullock carts don’t come equipped with Head Lights but they do have ‘Horns’ (See what I did there. I am a genius), Sir when the driver needs some traffic in front to disperse he hits the bullocks and then they Mooo Sir and the crowd moves.”

SHIT: “Ohh… Shrijeet do bullocks also moo.. I thought those were the Cows.”

PISS: “No Sir, Bullocks also Mooo Sir, See sir simple right? Like Man Speaks, Woman also Speaks na Sir, same to same with cow and bullock.”

SHIT: “Brilliant… I see you don’t crack under pressure, Good going. Please don’t let me stop you.”

PISS: “Sir and the steering wheel and accelerator in this vehicle is the whip sir, whenever the driver needs the bullock to run fast he whips them. And sir the brakes are the noose around the bullocks neck or in their nose depending upon the vehicle model. When the driver pulls on the noose they stop.”

SHIT: “Woww.. Shrijeet that was some great insight. Thank You for that. I think we are ….”

PISS: “But sir I haven’t told you the best part of the vehicle sir, They are highly advanced Sir. All bullock carts have voice activated controls in them. The bullocks are very noble animals sir and they follow all the orders given by the driver.”

SHIT: “Thanks Shrijeet. Let me stop you right there, I am sure we have more of your class mates eagerly waiting for their interviews. So if you can just send the next candidate in on your way out that would be great.”

PISS: “What thanks Sir, No formalities please.. hehehe… It was great talking to you too Sir, I could have added more on how the Exhaust system of the bullock cart produces cow dung and its various uses. But I am sure Sir you are already aware of all that and more.”

And believe it or not, I still work in TCS (although if someone from my company reads this,I don’t how long that’s gonna be true)

So getting back to present day: Me. Driving Classes. In Raipur (with the worst roads and traffic conditions around). Experiences and Thoughts:

I truly and firmly believe that Humans are not supposed to drive cars. PERIOD.
Nature doesn’t want us to do it.

We are not evolved enough to perform such an operation.
Humans have 2 legs and the damn car has 3 pedal thingys (yes that’s a scientific Mechanical term).
How is it humanely possible that one person, Single handily can control all those three levers.

We have 2 hands and there are so many buttons and levers and sticks to twist and turn and push and then there is that big god damn wheel , staring you in the face, I have finally understood why it’s called the Steering wheel, coz I Stare at it in fear. (Ok that joke didn’t work out)

We have two eyes and those god damn things do not move independently (like a chameleon) so we are forced to look in a single direction at a time.

Now how can Poor PISS like me can drive a car looking in one direction when there are 150 and then some more things to look at Up ,down, so many mirrors squashed in every conceivable corner , big round dials, trying to see and comprehend which gear I am by looking at a stick jutting out from the floor, finding out which pedal thingy to press on the floor and finally if I get some time, look at the road and avoid hitting that pant less baby who was shitting on the road side and on cue ran in the middle of the street.

So ladies and gentlemen, It’s only been 5 days and I have 10 more days of this ordeal to endure.

I will see you again if I survive. Until then

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Top 10 Bikini Babes of All time.

2011-07-12T22:54:00.002+10:00

Hahahahaa..... Made you click didn't I ?

Now please get back to whatever you were doing

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

UPDATE: For those of you who didnt understand what this is about. See below images of how this post was shared

UPDATE 2: Started off as a small test in the (i am assuming) Male Psyche

Of Brackets and Parenthesis

2011-07-08T13:35:00.000+10:00

My past couple of days have been spent flying over different time zones, getting my body clock completely screwed up and waiting in long queues at various Airport Check in and Security Counters all over the world.
(Sydney-Singapore-Mumbai-Raipur)

Singapore deemed me a security risk and an officer asked me to accompany him to an adjoining room outside the queue of the baggage scan. He took my bags and started wiping them with what appeared to be tissue paper. Right when I was about to thank him for the excellent service and for cleaning my bags, he took those tissue papers and fed them into a machine (which appeared to me to be straight out of Ghost Buster movie).

The weird looking box with blinking lights and green lights, consumed the tissue papers like a Shredder and after a few loading animations on the green screen while I held my breath anticipating that the alarms would start ringing and I would be arrested by the security and held to the charges of not cleaning my bags for the past.. err.. ever since I bought them. But thankfully the green screen finally showed words which I imagine were ‘Clean’/’Approved’/’This bugger is not a terrorist threat.. a little unclean maybe, but a douche bag none the less’, the security officer thanked me and asked me to continue to the check in.

I tried to enquire, “Sir what does that machine detect?” and got a stone cold reply of: “You know the things you are not supposed to take on an airplane”. And the disgusted scowl continued which motivated me to continue (run while not looking back) to my flight.

My digestion is completely screwed up in a way that only Airline food can accomplish (What with the collective mayhem they cause when British cuisines are mixed with South Asian, Indian and the omnipresent ‘Fresh Fruit’ (Served throughout the flight and promised to be as fresh as a baby’s freshly talcum powdered bum)).
(Woww this is the first time I have used brackets within brackets, should I be using different kinds of brackets, the squiggly { } ones combined with the square ones [ ], with the half circle ones ( )? But again I DIGRESS)

But am I complaining, Errr…. Ummmm…. No I don’t think so. Finally after 11 months I have returned home to the country of my birth and the city of my upbringing. As soon as I landed in India and stood in the immigration Queue of 4786 people (me being the 4787th person and a few thousand more behind me), I had this elated feeling of screaming at the top of my lungs ‘Bharat Mata ki Jai’ and to portray/copy/plagiarize Amitabh Bachhan shout ‘Maa main aa gaya’.

But since it was 3 AM in the morning at an absolutely packed Mumbai Airport for my own safety and the mental wellbeing of my fellow morning queuers (is that a word?) I kept silent until I cleared the queues (without any mishaps this time around. For my past experiences with Indian Immigration Counters please refer here).

I was hoping to copy Shahrukh Khan and run with my jacket flowing behind me and a bag totting behind on my shoulders from ‘Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gam/Gum’ (and the various others movies where this has been duplicated) but since I had heavy trolleys with me, I had to hold my enthusiasm and crawl out while dragging my bags behind me and got out into the city.

After a couple of days in Mumbai spend with family and friends I am finally home in my room on the same bed, and under the same Helicopter Fan which makes enough noise to drown out even Momta Didi.
Ahh.. this is bliss.
Plans for the next few days:

Learn to drive.
May be learning to swim.
Get my teeth drilled a bit more.
Relax and Read/TV.

More updates coming soon. Until then

UPDATE: I hate to say this, but I guess I am also turning into one of those Non-Required-Indians, Came home and have been sick for the past 3-4 days, whatever I eat is coming out of different orifices in my body. Have been super sick and hardly can get off the bed.

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

The Emerald Sea and Rolling Thunder

2011-06-29T19:50:00.000+10:00

I hope this succeeds

Some of you would understand, most of you won't.

Airline Customer Care

2011-06-27T16:57:00.002+10:00

Today morning I had couple of very interesting conversations with an Airlines Customer Care. I am quickly trying to jot down what I remember before I forget.

As of now I am not in a mind to take any names and insult the airlines. So I would be calling the Airline as what else but “Airline”.
(Ya I know I can’t think of any more imaginative names, but I am writing this so I would do what I want to. But again I Digress)

Background: Next month during travel to India I have to travel from City A to City B and since there is no direct flight, I had to book using a connecting flight through City C.
So I had booked 2 flights by the same airlines flying from City A to City C and then onto City B (my final destination). I booked these tickets 2 months in advance to get cheap fare (which I did).

Being the ultra careful person that I am I took prints of all my tickets 2 months in advance, stapled, pinned and arranged them in the correct order of how and when they would be needed and then proceeded to take a backup print of the entire set.

Now one week before I fly to India, I got a mail from the Airline that my Flight from City C to City B has been cancelled and that my flight from City A to City C is still confirmed.

The exact words:
“Kindly note that your flight is cancelled and contact customer service center for reaccomodation.
We regret the inconvenience on account of this change and appreciate your understanding”

First reaction on seeing this: Anger, Frustration, Panic, Since every day of my 1 month vacation is very carefully planned out and I cannot afford any changes or delays to my travel itenary.

I got this eMail on a Friday evening so had to wait patiently till Monday morning to contact the customer care. Which by the way does not have an International Number which I can call them on (Although they have flights operating on International Routes)

So today on Monday I called the Domestic Customer care number in India at 6 AM IST. After multiple redirections, which seemed to me like,

“Thanks, you have reached Airline. We have no idea why you are calling us at this ungodly hour, as expected all our customer care representatives are sleeping or busy chatting with their girlfriends/boyfriends on company phones. Since it would take them 10 minutes to wake up why don’t you play around with our automatic call forwarding service.
For talking to God: Press 1.
For talking to Barak Obama: Press 2
For talking to Barak Obama in Hindi: Press 3
For receiving a free body massage press and hold 4 until your finger starts to pain.
If you are still here and have nothing better to do, please stay on line while I go and wake someone up.

After 5 more minutes Creature comes on line, groggy and sleepy and sounding as if I just woke him up from his wet dream.

Creature: “Thanks for calling Airline at 6 AM, I wish you die bugger, how may I be of assistance today?”

Me: "Hey hi, Sorry for calling early on your 24 hour customer care number. I am calling from Sydney and I had blah blah booked a ticket from blah blah City A to City C to City B and now blah blah you have cancelled my flight. What can I do ?”

Creature: “Fikar not bugger, let me put you on hold while I look for some alternatives”

Creature goes to brush his teeth and take a massive dump while I hold the line listening to some mind numbing funeral music.

After 32 more minutes (mind you this is an International Call so I am being charged through my teeth by my phone company) Creature comes back online.

Creature: “Thanks for holding bugger, I had hoped that you would get pissed off and piss off and disconnect the line, but since you are still here why don’t I tell you your alternatives”
Creature: “Sir I can re book your tickets so that you can travel from City A to City D and finally reach city B”

Me: “Err.. Ok.. That’s good enough, the tickets are on the same day right?”

Creature: “Yes your Royal Highness bugger Sir”

Me: “Ok, please go ahead and book the tickets then”

Creature: “All right bugger, let me put you on hold while I process this and pick my nose”

Me…still holding on a international call getting worried if my salary for the month would be spent in paying the phone bill after this call.

Creature: “What the hell Bugger you are still here. Ok then, I have booked your tickets from City A to City D and finally to City B”

Me: “Thanks a lot, Can you send me the tickets in an Email so I can take a print?”

Creature: “Dash off Bugger Sir, Actually sir you cant print the tickets yet, Please call back after 5-6 hours when my shift is over and I am home and disturb someone else”

Me: “Err ok.. Thanks for your help”

Creature: “Thanks for Calling Airline may your plane crash before take-off and have a nice day”

So now I am satisfied that I have got my tickets and am happily waiting for the 5-6 hours to pass when I can call back and get my tickets.

--- After 6 hours ---

I call up airline again, After the obligatory 25 minutes waiting while listening to things like “Your call is important to us, Right now all our customer care relatives are busy jerking off please stay on the line and do not move else you may get splattered”

And after again being asked if I want to talk to the Dalai Lama and discuss the low and attractive fares, I finally navigate through the labyrinth of 1s and 2s to reach another human being.

This time its “Person” who is a female of the species.

Person: “Hello Sir, How I may I be of assistance today? Would you like to have a look at our specials for the breakfast? We have freshly plucked Kanda-Bhajiya from the gardens of Virar and some extra oily and stale vada pao?”

Me: “Err.. Sorry, Did I reach the catering service? I wanted to enquire about my ticket. Can I give you my PNR number?”
(For my international readers – PNR is something like your Ticketing/Reservation Id for Indian flights and Trains)

Person: “Ok Sir, if you are not interested in our international cuisine let me have a look at your PNR number. Can I please put you on hold while I go and flirt with my manager? Thanks”

After 43 minutes of baraati music.

Person: “Thanks for holding sir, It shows here that your tickets have been confirmed”

Me: (Super Enthusiastically) “Woww that’s great, please send me a copy of the ticket”

Person: "Sorry sir, we can’t send you a copy of the ticket .. You can go to the counter at the airport and tell them your PNR Number and they will give you your tickets"

Me: "Err.. Ok.. But you know right.. that the security guard at the gate of the airport will not allow me to even get in the airport and go to your counter if I don’t have a ticket. How do you want me to get in?"

Person: "No sir, Airline has a counter before the security check in where you can get the ticket from"

Me: "Yes maam , that’s fine that Airline has a counter before security check in. Every airline has that .. but what about the police man at the gate of the airport much before the check in counter.. What do I tell him ?"

Person: "Sorry Sir.. we can’t send you a copy of the ticket. It’s against our policies"

Me: "So let me get this straight. I booked my tickets. Took the prints when I booked them. Then you cancelled my flights without any prior notification.
Then you booked them through different cities.. and now it’s your policy to not give me my tickets which I have paid for ?"

Person: “That’s absolutely correct sir and for getting that right, I would give you a special 10% discount on the wada paos which you ….”

I disconnected at this point hoping to god that after paying my phone bill I have some money left to get a train to the airport.

I finally went to the Airline website, put in my PNR number and got the ticket which according to the Airline policies they can’t send me.

UPDATE : My misfortunes associated with Airlines continued after this first encounter. To read the follow up and sequel Please click here: Airline Customer Care - Part Deux

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Its a Loong Story...I will tell you later

2011-06-21T20:58:00.002+10:00

Areyyyy Yaaar (or add your own salutation)... Its a looong story....I will tell you some other time...

This is one of the most common sentences which we all use.

(At least I do..So as always, I will generalize this statement and assume that you reading this right now, use this sentence a lot as well. If you disagree with me...

Well I don't care...you should have written something on your own then right ? .... But again I Digress)

When someone says to me it's a long story and then refuses to divulge the details. I feel intrigued, curious and impatient until I know each and every detail.

And till the time I don't know the story. I imagine what the long story might be.
For Example:

Situation: Someone is late to work and tells me that its a long story why they are late and will tell me later.

What I start to Imagine:
Woowww... Interesting, The Creature (in search for a better name and since I am not gender biased) is hiding from me why creature is late to work. Something definitely very interesting must have happened today. Like .. ??

Ohh... Ohh... I know... Creature's house must have caught fire, which would have been caused by the exploding army tank in front of creature's house, which would have been present there to fight the alien mothership hovering over creature's house , who would have arrived to earth to find out the secret to Life, Universe and Everything.

Finally satisfied with my brilliant reasoning I would go back to work, knowing that I have successfully solved the Enigma of Creature being late.

Until, the Darn Creature would come and tell me that creature was late coz creature missed the bus today morning.

DAMN You Boring, Uninteresting, Unimaginative Reality. Why.. O Why do you always spoil the looong story.

P.S. : As I hope many of my readers already know that the answer the aliens were looking for is Pssstttt............... 42.

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

Response to 10 classic Indianisms

2011-06-18T00:04:00.002+10:00

I hope I don't turn this into a habit anytime soon.

So once again, I read an article through facebook which someone shared.
Link to original Article: http://www.cnngo.com/mumbai/life/10-indianisms-652344
(UPDATE: You need to read the above article first to understand what I am saying)

I have anonymized the names here

And as a response I am jotting down my thoughts here:

Indianisms are what one would classify as colloquialism and slang.

How much of sense does 'slap him upside the head' make but it does in America.

How about 'kiss my ass' - no I rather not kiss your donkey or for that matter your bottom (arse)... but there you have it language evolves and every ethnic group contributes its own flavor.

Bet you would not understand if I asked you to pass me a coldie but an Australian would... he would know I meant a can of cold beer. He would also know if I asked for it in a handle, I meant a beer glass with a handle...

Oh and by the way 'passing out' comes from the 'passing out parade'. An army term used to describe cadets have completed a military course. This term is used by the British army as well and not restricted to the Indian army.

Unfortunately instead of realising that millions of Indians regard English as their language and have added their own flavour; just like the Irish, the Scots, the Kiwis - you chose to preach and correct.

Now wonder where that comes from: an innate sense of superiority or just a desperation to be accepted as more whiter than the white.

Can't figure if the article's efforts have to do with a chip on the shoulder or just a sense of inferiority. Like some of my Tamil friends say : Eh, What men!

We should not be so quick to disparage our own idiosyncracies even as we consider colloquialism and slang from other nations to be cool.

When Americans or anybody else for that matter , add a million "subprime's" to our lexicon why can't we add our own flavor to a language that now so many Indians have adopted as our own? Prepone? Years back?

I think Indianisms are great! English is global enough to accomodate our idiosyncracies into its grammar-not correct it with sarcastic 'dinosaur with bad grammar' put me downs! I am right no?

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

The Silent Noose

2011-06-11T17:10:00.000+10:00

Happiness or Despair - (Call it sadness/depression if you want to).

Am I the only one here who talks to himself ?
Oh No!! Wait. You right there with your hand on the touch-pad or the mouse, sitting on the chair, lying on your bed or hanging from the ceiling with a noose around your neck.

I know you. I know you used to talk to yourself. You had wonderful and profound conversations with your inner-self, until that fateful day. When someone overheard you two talking.

And since then the inner voice won't answer any of your questions. It has gone Silent.

You have lost your best friend , some one who understood most of your problems, even though you two may not have agreed to everything , actually I remember all the arguments which you had.

The late nights when you stayed up arguing about the cosmos, philosophy and anything under the sun.

But now those days are loong gone. And that's the reason, I can see the noose is out and the voice is gone and dead.

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!

The Curious Case of the Nimbu Lemon

2011-05-18T22:19:00.000+10:00

I have spent my childhood reading endless stories of Mr Holmes and his sidekick Dr Watson , of how Ms. Agatha Christie solves the most baffling of mysteries so easily.

They have always inspired me to solve if not murder than at least the small everyday mysteries that surround us.
(Wow I have already used the word Mystery a lot. But again I DIGRESS)

So getting back on topic on what I am calling as 'The Curious Case of Nimbu Lemon'

It all began one fine day when I started seeing a lot of posts on (where else but) Facebook about a funny picture which you can see below.

I felt very angry and amazed at all my friends who were making fun of this simple road side vendor who was clearly onto something which we all the EDUCATED LOT didnt and couldn't comprehend.

I tried to convey my feelings by convincing the people who were making fun of (what I was convinced was) the sheer genius (although no one knew how it was genius) of this Humble man from India.

At this point of time after posting this comment, I had no idea that I was onto something here. It was a comment made in haste and without much thought.

Days passed and I forgot about this picture and comment.

Then suddenly today, I opened my fridge after having dinner to get some water and saw this

I am not really sure if we get this in India or not, I for one have not seen these drinks in India yet.

They are Soft Drinks called 'Solo' . And they come in 2 varieties, one in a Dark Green Bottle with a Dark Green liquid and one in a transparent bottle with a light yellow liquid.

They are more or less the same lemonade like and my fridge is always filled with them (or their empty bottles with water in them)

Till today I never gave them a second look and kept on drinking, and suddenly today after dinner when I opened the new bottle (Dark Green one) , I saw something and had one of those EUREKA !!! Moments. When everything fell into place. The whole universe was in harmony and everything suddenly made sense.

What did I see you ask ? Well see for yourself:

After looking at this above view, all the questions about the humble road side vendor and all the ridicule he had to go through when I believed in him suddenly made sense to me again.

It finally dawned on me like one of those Godly lights and I was once again convinced of the brilliance of the Un-Named Road Side Vendor who had the vision and the intelligence to distinguish between his products when us the educated lot ridiculed him.

I hope after seeing this picture above you understood what I am talking about and are with me in unison praising the Vendor. If your Eyes of Ignorance are still closed see details below:

SPOILER ALERT

Right.............. now for the those of you who didn't understand the brilliance. Lets have another closer look at the two bottles.

Dodgy Photoshop Alert

Now please concentrate on the areas marked on the two bottles in red.
You would obviously see the difference there:

Original Lemon
Lemon Lime

That is exactly what I had commented while defending the poor vendor on facebook, one is lime and other is lemon.

If you still don't know what the difference among them is then please concentrate again on the areas marked in the above pictures in Blue.

You would see that both those areas depict a small tree with some fruits on them, the number of fruits on both the trees appear to match as well, but lo and behold what about their colors ?

And that my friend is the ball game right there.

Lemon - The yellow वाला stuff which is सादा लेमन - 8 Rs.
Lime - The green वाला stuff mixed in it is नींबू लेमन - 12 Rs.

So my friends and readers what we couldnt comprehend and grasp, the humble vendor did.

I bow to thee O Vendor. You Who shall forever remain Unknown and Unnamed.

And with that, I declare this case of the Nimbu Lemon. Closed and Solved.

THIS IS COSMIC BLASTING OFF !!!!!!!!