Friday, July 15, 2011


It’s been 5 days now since I have started to learn how to drive the (what I am convinced is the) “Most Evilest creation of Man ever” or as the people who have tamed these wild beasts call them: - THE CAR . 
(There……..right there – Didn’t you just feel a cold tingle down your spine, that’s how evil they are- But again I DIGRESS)

Now since I am a Mechanical Engineer (WOO HOO…. yes I did pass all those 8 semesters) I should be in love with these things and they were one the main reasons after playing all those Need for Speed games why I chose Mechanical as my branch (That and the fact that after “Eenee Meenee Miny Moe”… Moe was Mechanical).

But I should have been warned when during my Job interview (HR) with TCS (WOO HOO.. I still work there) I was the first Bakra in the hall and the conversation which I recall went something like this: 

Sophisticated HighClass Intelligent Terrorist (The interviewer, hence forth knows as SHIT ): “So Shrijeet, You are a Mechanical engineer, Interesting”.  (Followed by a lot of Moustache twirling)  “Why don’t you tell me how would you define a Bullock Cart in terms of a Car?

Poor Insignificant Suffering Soul (Me, hence forth know as PISS): “Err Sir .. Woww Sir, What a FANTAAASTIC question Sir, I am sure Sir that I can form this analogy.
(Who ever can count the number of times Sir appears in this post wins a surprise gift)

PISS: “Sir see Sir , I think… No Sir, Sorry Sir, I mean I know (See I am being assertive and confident- lots of brownie pointswe can say that a Bullock cart is a Twin Engine Powered vehicle. With the two engines being the two bullocks. Also Sir, It’s a 8 wheel Drive vehicle Sir, the 8 legs of the 2 bullocks since they are independently powered can be considered as 8 wheels.
(Proud of myself)

SHIT: “Errr… Fascinating .. Please go on..

PISS: (Woww.. Positive Feedback) “And Sir I would say each engine is Single Cylinder Engine, Since the Bullocks have only one stomach Sir. Sir bullock carts don’t come equipped with Head Lights but they do have ‘Horns (See what I did there. I am a genius), Sir when the driver needs some traffic in front to disperse he hits the bullocks and then they Mooo Sir and the crowd moves.

SHIT: “Ohh… Shrijeet do bullocks also moo.. I thought those were the Cows.

PISS: “No Sir, Bullocks also Mooo Sir, See sir simple right? Like Man Speaks, Woman also Speaks na Sir, same to same with cow and bullock.

SHIT: “Brilliant… I see you don’t crack under pressure, Good going. Please don’t let me stop you.

PISS: “Sir and the steering wheel and accelerator in this vehicle is the whip sir, whenever the driver needs the bullock to run fast he whips them. And sir the brakes are the noose around the bullocks neck or in their nose depending upon the vehicle model. When the driver pulls on the noose they stop.

SHIT: “Woww.. Shrijeet that was some great insight. Thank You for that. I think we are ….

PISS: “But sir I haven’t told you the best part of the vehicle sir, They are highly advanced Sir. All bullock carts have voice activated controls in them. The bullocks are very noble animals sir and they follow all the orders given by the driver.

SHIT: “Thanks Shrijeet. Let me stop you right there, I am sure we have more of your class mates eagerly waiting for their interviews. So if you can just send the next candidate in on your way out that would be great.

PISS: “What thanks Sir, No formalities please.. hehehe… It was great talking to you too Sir, I could have added more on how the Exhaust system of the bullock cart produces cow dung and its various uses. But I am sure Sir you are already aware of all that and more.

And believe it or not, I still work in TCS (although if someone from my company reads this,I don’t  how long that’s gonna be true)

So getting back to present day: Me. Driving Classes. In Raipur (with the worst roads and traffic conditions around). Experiences and Thoughts:

I truly and firmly believe that Humans are not supposed to drive cars. PERIOD.
Nature doesn’t want us to do it.

We are not evolved enough to perform such an operation.
Humans have 2 legs and the damn car has 3 pedal thingys (yes that’s a scientific Mechanical term).
How is it humanely possible that one person, Single handily can control all those three levers.

We have 2 hands and there are so many buttons and levers and sticks to twist and turn and push and then there is that big god damn wheel , staring you in the face, I have finally understood why it’s called the Steering wheel, coz I Stare at it in fear. (Ok that joke didn’t work out)

We have two eyes and those god damn things do not move independently (like a chameleon) so we are forced to look in a single direction at a time.

Now how can Poor PISS like me can drive a car looking in one direction when there are 150 and then some more things to look at Up ,down, so many mirrors squashed in every conceivable corner , big round dials, trying to see and comprehend which gear I am by looking at a stick jutting out from the floor, finding out which pedal thingy to press on the floor and finally if I get some time, look at the road and avoid hitting that pant less baby who was shitting on the road side and on cue ran in the middle of the street.

So ladies and gentlemen, It’s only been 5 days and I have 10 more days of this ordeal to endure.

I will see you again if I survive. Until then


Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Top 10 Bikini Babes of All time.

Hahahahaa..... Made you click didn't I ?

Now please get back to whatever you were doing


UPDATE: For those of you who didnt understand what this is about. See below images of how this post was shared

UPDATE 2: Started off as a small test in the (i am assuming) Male Psyche 

Friday, July 8, 2011

Of Brackets and Parenthesis

My past couple of days have been spent flying over different time zones, getting my body clock completely screwed up and waiting in long queues at various Airport Check in and Security Counters all over the world.

Singapore deemed me a security risk and an officer asked me to accompany him to an adjoining room outside the queue of the baggage scan. He took my bags and started wiping them with what appeared to be tissue paper. Right when I was about to thank him for the excellent service and for cleaning my bags, he took those tissue papers and fed them into a machine (which appeared to me to be straight out of Ghost Buster movie). 

The weird looking box with blinking lights and green lights, consumed the tissue papers like a Shredder and after a few loading animations on the green screen while I held my breath anticipating that the alarms would start ringing and I would be arrested by the security and held to the charges of not cleaning my bags for the past.. err.. ever since I bought them. But thankfully the green screen finally showed words which I imagine were ‘Clean’/’Approved’/’This bugger is not a terrorist threat.. a little unclean maybe, but a douche bag none the less’, the security officer thanked me and asked me to continue to the check in.

I tried to enquire, “Sir what does that machine detect?” and got a stone cold reply of: “You know the things you are not supposed to take on an airplane”. And the disgusted scowl continued which motivated me to continue (run while not looking back) to my flight.

My digestion is completely screwed up in a way that only Airline food can accomplish (What with the collective mayhem they cause when British cuisines are mixed with South Asian, Indian and the omnipresent ‘Fresh Fruit’ (Served throughout the flight and promised to be as fresh as a baby’s freshly talcum powdered bum)).
(Woww this is the first time I have used brackets within brackets, should I be using different kinds of brackets, the squiggly { } ones combined with the square ones [ ], with the half circle ones ( )? But again I DIGRESS)

But am I complaining, Errr…. Ummmm…. No I don’t think so. Finally after 11 months I have returned home to the country of my birth and the city of my upbringing. As soon as I landed in India and stood in the immigration Queue of 4786 people (me being the 4787th person and a few thousand more behind me), I had this elated feeling of screaming at the top of my lungs ‘Bharat Mata ki Jai’ and to portray/copy/plagiarize Amitabh Bachhan shout ‘Maa main aa gaya’. 

But since it was 3 AM in the morning at an absolutely packed Mumbai Airport for my own safety and the mental wellbeing of my fellow morning queuers (is that a word?) I kept silent until I cleared the queues (without any mishaps this time around. For my past experiences with Indian Immigration Counters please refer here).

I was hoping to copy Shahrukh Khan and run with my jacket flowing behind me and a bag totting behind on my shoulders from ‘Kabhi Khushi Kabhi Gam/Gum’ (and the various others movies where this has been duplicated) but since I had heavy trolleys with me, I had to hold my enthusiasm and crawl out while dragging my bags behind me and got out into the city.

After a couple of days in Mumbai spend with family and friends I am finally home in my room on the same bed, and under the same Helicopter Fan which makes enough noise to drown out even Momta Didi.
Ahh.. this is bliss.
Plans for the next few days: 

  • Learn to drive.
  • May be learning to swim.
  • Get my teeth drilled a bit more.
  • Relax and Read/TV.

More updates coming soon. Until then

UPDATE: I hate to say this, but I guess I am also turning into one of those Non-Required-Indians, Came home and have been sick for the past 3-4 days, whatever I eat is coming out of different orifices in my body. Have been super sick and hardly can get off the bed.