Friday, July 15, 2011


It’s been 5 days now since I have started to learn how to drive the (what I am convinced is the) “Most Evilest creation of Man ever” or as the people who have tamed these wild beasts call them: - THE CAR . 
(There……..right there – Didn’t you just feel a cold tingle down your spine, that’s how evil they are- But again I DIGRESS)

Now since I am a Mechanical Engineer (WOO HOO…. yes I did pass all those 8 semesters) I should be in love with these things and they were one the main reasons after playing all those Need for Speed games why I chose Mechanical as my branch (That and the fact that after “Eenee Meenee Miny Moe”… Moe was Mechanical).

But I should have been warned when during my Job interview (HR) with TCS (WOO HOO.. I still work there) I was the first Bakra in the hall and the conversation which I recall went something like this: 

Sophisticated HighClass Intelligent Terrorist (The interviewer, hence forth knows as SHIT ): “So Shrijeet, You are a Mechanical engineer, Interesting”.  (Followed by a lot of Moustache twirling)  “Why don’t you tell me how would you define a Bullock Cart in terms of a Car?

Poor Insignificant Suffering Soul (Me, hence forth know as PISS): “Err Sir .. Woww Sir, What a FANTAAASTIC question Sir, I am sure Sir that I can form this analogy.
(Who ever can count the number of times Sir appears in this post wins a surprise gift)

PISS: “Sir see Sir , I think… No Sir, Sorry Sir, I mean I know (See I am being assertive and confident- lots of brownie pointswe can say that a Bullock cart is a Twin Engine Powered vehicle. With the two engines being the two bullocks. Also Sir, It’s a 8 wheel Drive vehicle Sir, the 8 legs of the 2 bullocks since they are independently powered can be considered as 8 wheels.
(Proud of myself)

SHIT: “Errr… Fascinating .. Please go on..

PISS: (Woww.. Positive Feedback) “And Sir I would say each engine is Single Cylinder Engine, Since the Bullocks have only one stomach Sir. Sir bullock carts don’t come equipped with Head Lights but they do have ‘Horns (See what I did there. I am a genius), Sir when the driver needs some traffic in front to disperse he hits the bullocks and then they Mooo Sir and the crowd moves.

SHIT: “Ohh… Shrijeet do bullocks also moo.. I thought those were the Cows.

PISS: “No Sir, Bullocks also Mooo Sir, See sir simple right? Like Man Speaks, Woman also Speaks na Sir, same to same with cow and bullock.

SHIT: “Brilliant… I see you don’t crack under pressure, Good going. Please don’t let me stop you.

PISS: “Sir and the steering wheel and accelerator in this vehicle is the whip sir, whenever the driver needs the bullock to run fast he whips them. And sir the brakes are the noose around the bullocks neck or in their nose depending upon the vehicle model. When the driver pulls on the noose they stop.

SHIT: “Woww.. Shrijeet that was some great insight. Thank You for that. I think we are ….

PISS: “But sir I haven’t told you the best part of the vehicle sir, They are highly advanced Sir. All bullock carts have voice activated controls in them. The bullocks are very noble animals sir and they follow all the orders given by the driver.

SHIT: “Thanks Shrijeet. Let me stop you right there, I am sure we have more of your class mates eagerly waiting for their interviews. So if you can just send the next candidate in on your way out that would be great.

PISS: “What thanks Sir, No formalities please.. hehehe… It was great talking to you too Sir, I could have added more on how the Exhaust system of the bullock cart produces cow dung and its various uses. But I am sure Sir you are already aware of all that and more.

And believe it or not, I still work in TCS (although if someone from my company reads this,I don’t  how long that’s gonna be true)

So getting back to present day: Me. Driving Classes. In Raipur (with the worst roads and traffic conditions around). Experiences and Thoughts:

I truly and firmly believe that Humans are not supposed to drive cars. PERIOD.
Nature doesn’t want us to do it.

We are not evolved enough to perform such an operation.
Humans have 2 legs and the damn car has 3 pedal thingys (yes that’s a scientific Mechanical term).
How is it humanely possible that one person, Single handily can control all those three levers.

We have 2 hands and there are so many buttons and levers and sticks to twist and turn and push and then there is that big god damn wheel , staring you in the face, I have finally understood why it’s called the Steering wheel, coz I Stare at it in fear. (Ok that joke didn’t work out)

We have two eyes and those god damn things do not move independently (like a chameleon) so we are forced to look in a single direction at a time.

Now how can Poor PISS like me can drive a car looking in one direction when there are 150 and then some more things to look at Up ,down, so many mirrors squashed in every conceivable corner , big round dials, trying to see and comprehend which gear I am by looking at a stick jutting out from the floor, finding out which pedal thingy to press on the floor and finally if I get some time, look at the road and avoid hitting that pant less baby who was shitting on the road side and on cue ran in the middle of the street.

So ladies and gentlemen, It’s only been 5 days and I have 10 more days of this ordeal to endure.

I will see you again if I survive. Until then



Unknown said...

Dont scare me dude. Even i have to learn it someday !

Chandra Sekhar said...

Dont worry will learn it will be easy to drive it in Oz than India :) All the best

Rim said...

Hahahahahhahahahahahahaha! (ooh tummy aching from too much laughter)

you have to LOOK at the gear to change it?? :D

Tip: Try feeling it!

Pep talk: I'm the MOST HORRIBLE multitasker and I survived the ordeal! I've a clean on-road history for more than a year! No reason why YOU shouldn't survive! In fact, you'll do awesomely after a few more days, I'm sure!

And you'll be enjoying it once you get the hang of it! Esp on Sydney roads! Oh, envy you! :)

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