Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The Halfyearly Routine

No, Its not plagiarized. You can create your own comic strips here: Rage Comics Builder


Self Strangulation


Thursday, August 25, 2011

Thanks, But no Thanks - Man's View

This is an attempt to observe, from a Man’s Perspective the Blog post I read here, written by Ms. ConfusedYuppie.
(No No... No Flamewars please)

Let us first try and look at a bit of history. Prior to Independence the Manly Men (Paedophiles) of the nation were really interested in marrying toddlers (Yes from my perspective a little 13 year old girl is a toddler

And since then I am happy to see that we the Men have finally got our wits around us a bit (still a long way to go, but a start none the less). 
So even though the average age of Men has risen only by 4 years, the average age of Women has incresed by 6 (You go Girl).

Why this difference you ask me? (Well even if you don’t ask me I am going to tell you anyways)
I think, the main reason for men marrying young is FRUSTRATION.

Yes Yes.. Its not family pressure, its not, “Hey look man your all your friend’s are getting married and you are not” and its also not the feeling of “I have achieved enough in life and now I should start a family.”

Frustration that Golden Mister (yes every guy thinks he is God’s gift to woman kind) has not yet been able to attain a single female of the species who he can call as his Girlfriend.

Come on, You know what I am talking about.

The Common Indian Male is too toung tied, too self conscious, too timid to have a sensible conversation with a Golden Missess without breaking into hives (ok sweat at least) and stammering his way through a simple hello as if he is trying to recite the Unabridged version Othello.

What I am trying to convey here was very aptly put into words last week by one of my Aussie Colleagues when he heard that, one of my 30+ Year old Indian Male Team mate was going to India to see girls and select one:

Mr Indian Guy: “So Mr Aussie guy, See you after 2 weeks.

Mr Aussie Guy: “So you are going to meet these girls just once for a few hours in a room filled with both your families, and then decide who you are going to spend the rest of your life with?

Mr Indian Guy: “Err … Yes

Mr Aussie Guy: “Dude!!! There are many other ways to get laid

Now let’s assume that you are a single, moderately successful Indian Man living on his own in a metropolis. And even imagine (you may have to stretch your imagination for this-I certainly had to) that you are a macho, confident, Hunk-with-brains who can get any woman in the country. 

What would your choices be? And how would you react if they ever proposed to you? (Or in our country how would you react if their families ever came knocking)

DISCLAIMER: The above paragraph has been plagiarized from Ms. ConfusedYuppie’s Blog post and only the gender and adjectives have been changed.

Candidate 1:  “SO CALLED ITEM GIRLS” (Mallika Sherawat/Rakhi Sawant):

PROs: HOT HOT HOT HOT !! …..And did I mention.. HOT HOT HOT HOT !!

CONs: Once you look away from their hotness……………………………………………………………………….
……….. I am sorry what was I saying?…. 
Err.. Yes.. Once you look away from their hotness and their perfectly shaped anatomical body parts, You may notice that there is another part of their Anatomy which is missing, The itsy bitsy, unimportant part called the BRAIN.

And since the brain is missing from the body, The TOUNGUE which is now not centrally controlled, goes on a rampage and incoherent ramblings causing uncontrollable mayhem and chaos 

Candidate 2: “Social Reformers” (Arundhati Roy and such..)

PROs: They have an Opinion, Yes they do. An opinion about everything, Yes every little thing. They might pen-down couple of good books now and then.

CONs: Scene after wedding: 
Male: “So my honey bunny where do you want to go for the honeymoon, should I book tickets for the Bahamas?”

Reply from Social Reformer Hunny Bunny: “Do you know how many children are sleeping without a roof on their head tonight? Do you know the level of corruption of country and the blatant manner in which the political parties are scandalizing the law and governance of our country?”

Male: “Err.. Ok.. No I guess. Then how about going out for a coffee”

Hunny Bunny: “Most coffee plantation workers are children and are paid the equivalent to sweatshop wages and toil under abysmal working conditions. In Guatemala for example, coffee pickers have to pick a 100-pound quota in order to get the minimum wage of less than $3/day”

Male: “Al right let’s stay in”

Candidate 3: “Politician/Film Superstar’ Daughter” (Priyanka Gandhi, Whatever Rajni Kanth’s daughter is called)

PROs: You automatically inherit Daddy’s contacts and connections and you get your 15 minutes of fame when your wedding gains mention on the first page of “Hamara Samachaar” News Paper and 20 minutes of Prime Time coverage,of discussion about the Daughter’s lehenga  on the “Hamara NewsChannel

CONs: (Day after the wedding, Daughter calling Daddy): (Sniff Sniff.. Fighting back tears)”Daddy,  he cant make tea like Ramu did daddy, He served me Marie biscuit instead of Parle-G. And he also asked me to come to the dining table to have the tea daddy. I can’t live with this man daddy. He doesn’t love me daddy. He is torturing me. Please send the BMW to pick me up daddy.. the white one.”

Now you understand the plight of the Golden Mister ? With choices such as these, celibacy is far more attractive.
Married women out there, take a bow. The best are, truly taken.
(Plagiarisation Alert yet again)


Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Dandiya on Feet

So today is again going to be one of THOSE blog posts where I take an Email I wrote, modify (fill in Bull Excreta) it and then post it here.

This weekend in Sydney, Us three Roomies/Amigos. Think of us as the Dil Chahta hai, Zindagi na milegi na dubara Gang or something, but much better than them. We scoff and laugh on seeing ZNMD on seeing the public going Ooooo… Aaahhhh…. On watching those actors getting paid and then using Computer Graphics to show them sky diving or diving or what not. 

I laughed my ass off when they showed that doing sky diving changes your life’s perspective… err… as we do those things every other weekend. 
Be it fly in a jet plane..crawl through underground caves, Surf on sand dunes, explore forests on long bush walks/treks, run marathons, win medals for them, climb trees and swing between them (No STOP thinking of Tarzan and Monkeys), and what not.

Haa…take that you Hrithik Roshan. Katrina should be kissing me and not you, YOU YOU… married dirty old man.

So long story short. Stop believing in filmy stunts and start doing things on your own. Sheesh.. I myself sound like some Filmy movie dialog, like Darr ke aagey SHRIJEET hai..and sell fizzy drinks BUT AGAIN... I DIGRESS!!!

So last week on Thursday evening, we suddenly started planning for a camping trip to Devils Hole Campground in Barrington Tops Rain Forest. But since it was the second last weekend of Winter, before Spring officially begins in Sydney and one of the Amigos had not been to Snowy Mountains (for skiing

At 4:30 PM we decided to go on another Ski trip to Snowy mountains. Locations and mountain peaks were searched in 15 minutes, accommodation was booked. Vehicle was booked and we were ready to depart the next day Friday at 4 PM.

Winded off work early and moved out at 3 PM from office.
(If you work in my company and are on a higher position then I am then read the above line as I worked hard till 10 PM)

This time, we had decided to take proper Skiing lessons  and not like last winter where we pretended to stand on skis and pose as if we were skiing.

So Saturday morning, Location: Mt.Selwyn. 
Classes from 11:30 AM for 2 hours. Where they taught us not to Fall, Stop and Turn.

Super Confident Bum

I was able to learn the not fall. And stop part, but couldn’t learn the turn part.

So I just kept on going straight from peak to bottom of slopes... this worked really well for most of the slopes.. (There were many slopes with greater steepness and difficulty)

And once the classes were done then from 1:30 PM..we were free to go to any peak.. and do what we want. There were ski lifts (Chairs which take you from bottom to up on the peak, like a rope way) .

Skied through Lowest Difficulty Slope.. Easily.. Didn’t fall..
Skied through Medium Difficulty slope... not so easily.. But still didn’t fall. The other two amigos both fell here.

Felt Super Confident and then went up to one the steepest peak on the mountain. Super duper high... and super fast. 

What happened next you can see in picture below. Which I drew (Yes I know I paint like those Manet ..Monet Guy). I will explain in detail below

UPDATE: Mehh... One day ends here..and now I need to leave for home So whatever I write after this I am just trying to somehow complete this post in which I have lost all interest in now. Why So ? Details here.

I fell once head over and heals, then when I completely turned around (while falling) my skis got stuck in the ground, like poles so fell again. And kept on tumbling for many feet.

Then stopped, stood up, was super tired. I never knew you can sweat so much in the snow. Seriously !! I was completely drenched in sweat under the warm clothes in Negative temperatures.

Somehow stood up at this point was in the middle of the slope, so there was no option, other then going down.
So started skiing again downwards, and fell 3 more times before I somehow, like a Zombie (not skied) down to the bottom. 

And by this time the other two Amigos were taking video which you can see below


Thursday, August 18, 2011

Disco Inferno

DISCLAIMER: All the information provided below is through Theoretical Studies only. No practical tests or observations have been performed to reach these conclusions. Please follow at your own discretion. The author does not take responsibility for any harm/discomfort after following the below advice.

Everyday in the Morning (Or sometimes in the noon), I walk to work. 
Its about a 2Km walk from my home to work and during this time, I have my trusted and loved Philips Head phones in my ears, plugged into my HTC Desire. (Woww... Lots of Sponsorship plugging going on. Do I get paid for this? Hey companies out there? Free Advertising. But again I DIGRESS).

So as I was saying, the 2KM walk which when done on a lazy leisurely pace takes me about 20 minutes to complete on an average (Depending upon the traffic lights – for Pedestrians of-course)

Now most of my friends know that I can’t dance…Err... Let’s rephrase that… I don’t dance…hmm... lil bit more. I refuse to dance. (There now that sounds all right. Pretending as if I have a choice)

But even though I CHOOSE not to dance, I do what I call as “Jiggle” Where while I sit/stand/lye down. I shake my body (booty) in spasms to the beat of the music.
These Spasms are very famous. (Remember the Great Performance on the Plastic Chair of 2007 held at Raipur). Where I ended the performance by falling off the chair.

So as I was saying.. I do Dance.. But in my own way and this got me thinking.

What happens in a Club/Disco? Well let’s see:

If you are a hot chick: You go in, no questions asked.

If you are a guy: You stand at the end of a long queue, waiting to get in. There would be a Danav (Bouncer) at the gate who would judge you and allow you to go in or not after waiting for hours.

Now once you are in: You think you are going to have a good time?
Welll Nooooo....  Its dark as a Dungeon in there with Flashy lights which blind you and you keep on bumping into people who you don’t know. 
Well that chick you think you have your arm around. Guess what, that’s a guy's ass.

You think you can chat up a nice girl? (by which I of course mean a hot chick)..Well Nooooo…..With that loud music you can’t even hear yourself thinking, forget about talking to someone else (and by someone else I ofcourse mean Hot chick as talking to a guy after going to a club.. ARE YOU NUTS !!!).

You think you will have couple of Drinks? Well Nooooo..You go up to the Bartender, try and catch his attention in a crowd of millions (Ya that’s what it feels like) while waving your hands trying to imitate a Baboon in Heat, and when he finally notices, 
You again need to shout and scream to tell him what drink you want. You tell him something. He understands something and you end up getting something else.
And then you need to pay that guy through your nose. 
Why o Why do the drinks cost so damn bloody much in that dark room.

Finally when all your monthly savings are gone and you are slightly drunk, You think to yourself let me go and dance a lil bit. Well Nooooooooo……… There are at that point of time. 1 Million 43 thousand 567 Guys and 3 Hot Chicks on that Dance Floor and if you think you are dexterous enough that you can navigate, move and operate in those confined spaces. Well Bro.. Stop kidding yourself you are not a contortionist and definitely not Harry “The Bloody” Houdini. 

So.. Let me get back to my original topic of discussion. Head Phones.. Music.. and Dancing/Spasms.

I am thinking of starting a new and improved trend.. where everyone comes to the party… and everyone brings their own music.. in their iPods, Androids, or Nokia and even some Walkmans (Ya I know you. You still use that walk man)

Everyone puts on their head phones. Pump up the volumes to max and dance/spasm to whatever they want and how ever they want.

How do I hope to create the Club Ambience? Well you wear dark shades of course.
How do I plan to tackle the closed spaces issue? Well these parties would be organized in Public Parks of course. (This also serves the purpose of removing the Danav from the gate as free entry for all- Public/Sexual equality you see)

Drinks? Well get drunk at home of course and then come to the party. I am against drinking and smoking at public places.

Just imagine.. A park full of people. In the day.. Wearing dark glasses.. headphones on… jiggling to something you can’t hear.. 

Woowww.. Now that’s gonna be the next big thing.

P.S.I have not been able to come up with a suitable name for such a party/gathering so suggestions are open. Please provide them in the comments below.
I will ofcourse chose the best name provided by you and take all credit for it.


Monday, August 15, 2011

Non Reliable Indians

In the ISHPIRIT of Desh Bhakti and all that.. I refused to work for the Firangi's today and took a Day off from Work....

What did you do for your Country today ??? 
Other than posting Happy Independence Day and changing your Profile Pic to a Flag ?? Huhh ?? Huhh ??

Bharat Maata ki Jai and all That !!!

P.S. : The above screen shot has been Anonynananamized for Privacy of my friends.

P.P.S : As Always the Number of Likes and Comments can be used to guess the Sex of the FB User.


Monday, August 8, 2011

Airline Customer Care - Part Deux

Airline Ishtrikes Again…

Hi there, so my vacation is now officially over, I am back to Sydney after spending about a month in India.  

This is a follow up to my post a few months ago,  Airline Customer Care

Recap – 'On my last month’s visit to Inda I had to travel from City A to City B and since there was no direct flight, I had to book using a connecting flight through City C.

So I had booked 2 flights by the same Airline flying from City A to City C and then onto City B (my final destination). 

But after a lot of cancellations and calls, (read details here) I got my tickets from City A to City D to finally reach City B as City A -> City C flight was cancelled.'

On the day of Travel, my revised first flight from City A was at 9:30 AM, arriving at City D at 11:20 and comfortably allowing me to catch my connecting flight from City D at 13:50.

But I had not taken into account the Legendry Screw-up’s of Airline into consideration.

I have a bad habit of waking up every 2-3 hours to check my Email on my phone, but this bad habit pays off sometimes and this was going to be one of those days. 

On the day of travel as well I checked my Mail at 5:30 AM in the morning and was delighted to see an Email from Airlines that my first flight from City A has been delayed by 2.5 Hours and would be reaching City D just 20 minutes before I need to catch my connecting flight. (Which is near impossible)

So once again, I called up the 24 Hour Super Friendly Customer Care of Airlines. And as before was put through the paces of pressing 1s and 2s and 349s to speak to a sleepy human being at 6:00 AM.

Creature: Thanks for calling Airlines. It’s too early for me to comprehend what you are about to say right now and I probably won’t understand and if I do understand I might not bother responding to you so How can I be of Assistance today?

Me: Hey Creature. My Name is Shrijeet. My PNR Number is #### and I have a flight from City A to City D and then connecting flight to City B, but now your City A flight has been delayed which will make me miss my connecting flight.

Creature: Ok Bhai Sahab (Brother Sir), I would need some more information to bring up your details. Now if you can just tell me your name.

Me: Well.. What….Err… I just did that.

Creature: Well Bhai Sahab, you were not supposed to tell me your name then but are supposed to tell me your name now. Now please tell me your name please.

Me: Ok. All right. My Name is Shrijeet.

Creature: So that’s S for Snake, H for Horse, R for Rat…. (continues revising his Biology classes) … and T for Tooth Fairy ?

Me: I sure hope so, as I don’t have the guts to go through my name yet again with you.

Creature: Thanks SHrIjeeT.. Now if you can just provide me with your PNR number.

Me: What .. Well..Err… I did that already.. All right forget about it. I guess I was not supposed to give you my PNR number then. And spare me the horror this time. My PNR number is, B for Balls, F for fish…

Creature: (Interrupting in between) Sorry Sir, Did you mean B for Bull and F for Frog..?

Me: Yes…Yes, Whatever animals, mammals and marsupials you like please.

Creature: Sir can I put you on hold while I pretend to look up your details and you listen to some Death Metal? (Without waiting for a response puts me on hold) Thank You Sir.

Creature: (After 15 minutes) Sorry Sir, I am afraid I can’t help you with this and you would need to contact our representatives directly at the Airport.

Me: Err.. Ok.. Thanks for your help and the Biology Lesson.

Creature: It’s always a pleasure Mr S for Snake, H for Horse…

(I bang the phone down at this point)

--- Getting Impatient ---

At this point of time, I decided to use the Social Media as a last resort and connect to the Official Twitter account of Airlines.

As expected No replies

--- 3 Hours Later I am at the Airport---

I go up to the Airlines Window and tell them of my predicament and again repeat my name in Biological terms (which I am fluent now).

After digging through their records..

Lady in Lots of Makeup: Sir, I am sorry for the inconvenience this delay has caused you. I can re-book your tickets so that you can reach your destination City B while travelling through City C.

Me: (Getting a wild bewildered look and going mad now.. Literally Screaming) WHAT!!! … You want to re-book my flights through City C? 

I had originally booked that flight myself and your Airlines had informed me that City C flight was cancelled and had forced me to book my tickets through City D and now you want me to again travel through City C on the same flight which was SUPPOSEDLY cancelled ?

Are you Guys Nuts .. What the hell.. (Lost for words now)

Makeup Lady: Woww Sir, What a miracle sir that your cancelled flight is now not cancelled. Its like those PunarJanam (rebirth) movies sir , Like Karan Arjun, Karz, Kuch Kuch hota hai. Fantabulous Sir.

Me: (Too shocked to correct her that Kuch Kuch hota hai had nothing do with Punarjanam) . Can I please have my tickets now ?

Makeup Lady: Yes. Please continue.

--- 3 Hours Later I land at City C ---

I approach the gates to get on my flight from City C to City B and met Mr Smiley.

Me: (Silently gave my boarding pass to Mr Smiley).

Mr Smiley: (Looking at the boarding pass) Sir you are very early. This flight has been delayed by 3 Hours.

Me: (At this point, I have a lapse of memory but I think first I started crying and then laughing manically like those Danavas/Asuras from the Indian Mythological TV Series)

Mr Smiley: Sir…. Sir.. Can you hear me Sir.. ? Please get a grip on yourself. Sir why don’t you go down to our VIP lounge sir reserved for our Executive Guests and get something to eat. We won’t be charging you for this sir even though you are not eligible for entering this lounge.

Me: (Walks like a Zombie down to the lounge)

After another wait of 3 hours where I tweet and curse to my heart’s content to Airlines, I feel privileged and truly blessed by the God’s to finally catch the flight to City B and land safely.

I almost literally bent down and kissed the tarmac on reaching City B like Agarkar did after he scored his 100th Century at Lords. 

(Cricket Factoids might be screwed up)

After Landing at City B, I finally saw a reply from Airlines on Twitter 

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